One of the (many) rewarding things about blogging is "meeting" new people. We have comments from people we've never met. Sometimes I can figure out how they made their way to our little blog, sometimes I haven't a clue.
I try to click on commenters blogs to learn a little bit about them and to hear their stories.
Tonight I read a post from someone's blog that had about 20 comments on it. The comments got heated (at least it felt that way to me).
It was a blog about..... well, baby making.
OK, let's face it, women can get a bit, uh, passionate, when they discuss issues they hold close to their heart.
Hormonal women?
Well, they can be down right scary. I can say that because I HAVE BEEN one of those women.
I did infertility drugs with "timed intercourse" (very romantic), infertility drugs with IUI, and infertility drugs with IVF.
I had three miscarriages.
I am one of those crazy women, I'll admit it.
My husband T on the other hand. He will NOT admit it. He.... well, he knows better.
As I read these comments, I felt like a fly on the wall. The conversation took place last month, so I couldn't throw in my two cents. I suppose that is a good thing.
The general conversation was about donating eggs, trying to conceive in "unconventional ways" and adoption. I listened to all these women speak passionately about their feelings.
One thing that got my..... attention..... was a comment about why people don't "just adopt."
Just adopt.
If you have tons and tons (and tons) of money. If your birth mom doesn't "decide to parent" HER baby at the last minute (adoptive parents often refer to that as "change her mind."), if you don't mind putting your entire life on hold - indefinitely - while you wait "to be chosen." If you don't mind answering uncomfortable questions about what kind of baby/child you'd like, how old you'd like, what race you'd like, what disorders or diseases or illnesses or syndromes or special needs you'd be willing to accept. If you can stand the process of choosing Domestic or International, and if you go International, which country, and then try to figure out which country is least corrupt and which country has less of a chance of "closing" and no longer allowing International adoptions, then choosing an agency or a facilitator, and so on and so on. If you don't mind the threat of a contested adoption..... If you don't mind the threat of an APPEAL from a birth parent AFTER your adoption has been finalized.
Well then, yeah, sure, just adopt.
Adoption is worth it.
I'm not saying it isn't.
I AM saying that adoption is not an easy process. But, those of you who know our story already know this.
Many people believe that once someone holds their long awaited child that all the pain they felt in their journey just washes away instantly.
I may not feel my pain daily, but, I have scars, and I have a memory. Remembering pain does not equal bitterness. Remembering pain is not unhealthy. It's simply remembering.
We all have choices and I choose (daily) to use my life and my past in a positive way. I don't want to become crippled in pain and unable to move forward.
Even if we have a happy ending in all of this, it's not like there was no pain in the journey. There have been losses. Huge losses.
We had a failed adoption over two years ago. Do you know that I still let our mutual friend know that we would still take "him" if his mother ever changes her mind BACK?
I myself have judged, in fact, recently. Wondering why someone timed their second child the way they did. Me! Me of all people. Me in this crazy whirl pool I'M in. I have the time to question some other woman's choice.
I'm a piece of work I tell yah.
So, what's the point of this post?
I guess I'd like us all to just take a moment to remember that we don't know everybody's story.
I remember clearly stating that I would never try IVF. This was before I ever tried to conceive. I firmly believed that if I couldn't get pregnant naturally, that I'd "just adopt."
Somehow I ended up on a different path. I ended up being a woman who tried everything before trying adoption.
And.
I have no regrets.
I'm not saying my way is right.
I am saying that we need to have grace for people who take other paths towards growing their families.
We need to have grace.
Period.
xo
K.
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6 comments:
What a great insightful post. You are right, we have to be careful in all situations not to judge by what we see as the "end result" in someones life. Unless we know the facts we should be careful. Praying for you and your family regularly!
I can relate too. I'm old, I should know to respect the fact that different circumstances call for different decisions, yet still I catch myself judging. Age has helped me learn that there's no shame in apologizing for my stupid comments, and the sooner the beter!
The thing I find the most disconcerting about women's comments in general is how "we" judge and criticize each other. Life is hard enough. "If you do it this way or that way or some other way I suggest...." We just need to sit, watch and accept that there are many ways to get to the same result.
And here's a biggie...If you don't have something "nice" to say don't say anything at all. In other words, just listen sometimes.
As you can see I feel passionate about how "we" treat each other. I am always bombarded by "friends" who try to help me parent. It is extremely frustrating. No 2 families are alike and as long as I am not committing a crime I am fine and don't need help :)
Okay...enough from me today lol
I really appreciate this post.
I have been a victim (many times over) of harsh judgment. This has scarred me deeply, and still impacts me to this day.
In so many situations, because we are human, we make choices we never thought we would make. We have no way of predicting how we would actually react to any given situation - we may "assume" - but you know what they say about that ;)
I would much rather have someone ask me questions than pass judgment. At least there is an attempt at understanding.
Support and Acceptance.
Let's leave judgment to God.
My prayers are with you and your family. God Bless.
I invite you to my blog, to read a little of my story, particularly from late June and again in November when we discovered we COULD NOT adopt (at least, not anytime soon). One thing people take for granted with adoption is that once you make the decision to do it, it's a definate that you'll be APPROVED to do it. I'm one of the few (and really, only) people I know that has been told we are not able to adopt. And yet... we are still on our path to baby based on our moral and faith-guided path.
As you said, no one should be judged in these situations because their stories are NOT known.
Oh K. I've marked all your comments in my inbox, my intention being to come back over here and catch up. It's taken longer than I would want, but here I am, and I'm glad I went all the way back, because...well you know.
It was quite a discussion, and I feel like all of us who participated (or even just read) were privy to a very interesting tension among women. When dashed wants, hopes, and dreams are involved, I think it's very easy to take sides...or to just take your own side.
You've been my go-to blog about adoption...about the option to "just adopt" when other avenues are closed to you, whether because of someone or your religion saying no. I just wanted to say that I'm glad I found you. It was one of those commenters that led me here. She knew I was interested in the bonding during adoption, and I'm so glad she linked me to you :)
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