it's my choice now

 I sat down for my quiet time a lot later than usual, this morning. The sun was up and filling the room where I was sitting. 

Going through my gratitude, a wave of relief filled me, to overflowing. Before I realized what was happening, tears were streaming down my face. 

Relief. 

Gratitude. 

My life passing by, like a movie… memories of sitting in the pick up line of the Elementary School wondering how we were going to make it financially with the cost of treatments our children needed. 

The hundreds of mornings that I could barely get out of bed because I just – couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t see the end. I couldn’t see the light. For years.

To those of you who do not understand Reactive Attachment Disorder, it’s extraordinarily difficult to understand, it’s even harder to explain. Similar disorders (and often the diagnosis a child will RAD will be re-diagnosed with, as an adult) are, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and Sociopath. 

Tomorrow our daughter turns 18. (So does our son, but, this relief…. This is about our daughter). 

The past 16 1/2 years have been so, so hard. So painful. So much isolation and fear…. But. 

But. 

God has been so faithful. Many of you have been His hands and feet in our lives. 

Today, I’m still standing. 

My marriage is intact. 

Our finances our stable. 

And our kids? 

Well, our oldest, now 21, is in college. Yes. You read that right. After graduating high school, he has held a job, supporting himself, and has been living independently. And we? We are in relationship with each other.

 I’ve learned how to “dance” with our two children with RAD…. How close I can get before they are “reactive” to me…. So I keep the distance that is safe for them, and it is working for us. 

Our daughter is set to graduate in the next few months. She has plans to launch, and to succeed, to step in to her bright future. 

Our youngest son still continues to beat my heart with his joy and incredibly beautiful heart. 

I know the future will have its own bumps…. But, it’s different.  There is a freedom when the age is 18. It’s a choice. 

We will continue to choose our kids. 

It will feel different now though. 

Thank you to each of you reading this. For your prayers, for your support, for your love. 

 

Xo

K.