grace, denial, or exhaustion

I haven't known what to blog about lately because life has just been.....

Busy.

The potty training thing takes up virtually every fifteen minutes.

I think it's going well. We have had three consecutive days of M pooping on the potty. And two consecutive days for K2. They panic right before the poop comes yelling "ALL DONE ALL DONE ALLLLLL DONNNNNNEEEEE" then..... the poop drops into the toilet. :) I think we're getting there though.

J has his ups and downs, but, we've had a few good days in a row, so that's cool. I'm not going to over analyze it, I'm just going to enjoy it.

My left shoulder has been killing me. To the point that I actually went to the doctor to have it looked at. It seems that I'm lifting a lot lately. (twins on the toilet) So, I'm on Motrin for now.

Our birth mother has been emailing and leaving voice mails, and depending on the day (or minute) she loves and supports us, or she's angry and agitated.

We have to update our home study. I don't even understand why these things expire quite honestly. Most adoptions take more than a year, right? So, why do home studies expire b/t a year and 18 months? Anyway.... what this means is more paperwork and running around for T and me. (in our free time). And more money of course.

So.

Here I am. Just kind of living day to day..... and I wonder.... am I walking in grace, denial, or exhaustion?

I'm feeling OK mentally.

I'm feeling like everything is OK. But. I don't know why I feel that way.

I am MOMMY now. It's happened. That's just a fact.

It can't possibly not end that way, can it?

I find myself stumbling over words... like today at the doctor's office... explaining WHY I think my shoulder hurts... We're potty training twin two year olds.... We're in the midst of an adoption... they aren't "ours" yet.... My "daughter" weighs over 30 pounds.... I mean the twin daughter, uh, girl.... We have boy/girl twins... I mean they aren't ours yet.... Their adoption is being contested..... (does the doctor care????) I just feel like I can't say they are MINE..... then I get into this big crazy explanation.....

Then I think.

Wait.

MIGHT they not end up with us?

Am I still in that place?

Should I stay back there?

Is it safer?

I forget sometimes.

I forget that we might lose them.

So, yeah... I'm not sure where I am. I'd like to think I'm walking in grace still.... I was never a big fan of denial. (I think it's a stupid place to live). I am exhausted most of the time... But, I am VERY good at stressing in the midst of exhaustion.... So I don't think it's that...... Maybe it's grace.

We'll go with grace.

That's my final answer.

xo
K.