the spin cycle

Yesterday, as I mentioned, was cold with a side of steady drizzle.

It was a long, long day.

Three kids, spending the majority of the day indoors?

All together now..... "UGH!!!!!"

I spent much of the day in pure, survival mode. Trying to keep each child entertained and happy, and, in line. There were plenty of laughs and plenty of correction. There were moments of thinking 'wow, we're actually getting through this day....' and lots of...

other moments.

Moments where I thought.....

This is why this is happening. They deserve better than me. I am not a good Mother. That's why. That's why I don't get to keep them. They will get better than what I can give. So much better. I have failed them. That is why this is happening.

Moments where I thought.....

I need to try to be more patient. Why aren't I more patient? I need to embrace this day. Enjoy this day. Enjoy every second.


But, I was so tired.

I went. All. Day.

When T got home, I ran out to do our big (every other week) grocery shop.

In the store, suddenly, I missed the kids.

Missed them.

After being stuck in the house with all three of them, ALL DAY.

Then I held back the tears as I went down the snack aisle.

Down the baby items aisle.

Past the milk section.

All the items I either WON'T be buying in the future, or will be buying 2/3's less of.

I got home, put the groceries away, and collapsed on the couch.

I recounted all my different emotions for T.

And something occurred to me.

I sound like every other Mom on the planet.

(Minus the "this is why I don't get to keep them" part)

In short, I felt like I had gone through the spin cycle. Tired, wrung out, and done.

I'm coming down with some sort of funk... I'm blaming it on stress and pollution. That's my story and I'm sticking with it, as they say.

Our attorney is supposed to be getting word to us via email. Both T and I called a few times over the last few days, only getting as far as speaking to his assistant.

The thing is, he's busy.

Other babies are being born.

And adopted.

Apparently some progress (communication with other involved parties) has been made. No court date yet though. Oh, and apparently that December 2nd date is no longer a "date" for us..... We have expressed to our attorney that it is hard to live "like this" to which he replied that he does understand. He may not actually understand, but, that's OK, he knows this is hard for us. We plan to be squeaky until a date is set for us to return.

xo
K.