patches

I have rough patches.

Smooth patches.

Bumpy patches.

Numb patches.

I went through a very rough patch a few days ago. One of the kinds of patches where you can't quite function properly. One of the kinds of patches where you want to close the door, get into bed, under the covers, and wake up in a couple of months.

I looked in the mirror, and looking back at me was a pale, old looking, frizzy haired, dark circles under the eyes woman that I didn't recognize.

It was beyond "tired mommy." It was the reflection of a woman who was showing the signs of "loosing it."

Yesterday and today though..... I hit a smooth patch. Maybe you guys kicked up the prayers a notch. Or maybe it just took a while for your prayers to reach me all the way over here in South Korea. Regardless. I had a good two days mentally.

T talked w/our attorney this morning and there is (ALL TOGETHER NOW.....) ..... no news.

(everyone can let out a big sigh together).

Our attorney IS working however. He's making calls. The thing is - OUR side is waiting for the other side(s) to do something.

Our birthmother is (how do I say this?) "acting" like she is "planning" on signing paperwork. Yet. She hasn't yet. Which is fine because truthfully I'm conflicted.

All of this is hard.

I can't picture myself handing the twins back to her.

Of course I don't know a thing about K3's mom. What if she shows up in one of those..... scooter things.... You know what I'm talking about. The scooters that you see all over Disney World. (Do you know what I mean?)

What if K3's mom is mean or scary looking?

What if - our birthmother doesn't ever sign paper work?

What if K3's mom simply stops whatever it was she was trying to do since the adoption has successfully been stopped?

The thing is some people are simply against adoption. They don't mind foster care, just not adoption, whatever you do don't let your child be adopted.

Basically all day (and night) my mind drifts to the what if's.....

Now, we could call our attorney tomorrow to find out that K3's mom requested an emergency custody order (as recommended by our attorney) and we could be on a plane soon, headed to the states.

We could also find out that our birthmother has signed the paperwork and we could be on a plane soon, headed back to the states.

Or.

We could find out nothing has happened, that our attorney left messages for everyone, and nobody has returned his call, so we don't know where we stand.

I even wonder if somewhere buried in the chaos ........

if.......

could they?

Could they somehow end up with us?

At this juncture I just don't know how that could happen. EVERYTHING would have to be turned inside out and upside down for it to happen.

But.

It's also one of the places my mind wanders to.

I'm trying to stick with the getting through the moment, doing the best that I can in that moment thing that I mentioned before.

One nice thing I can tell you about......

J got his school pictures back today. I put one of them in a frame in the kitchen so I can look at it while I do the dishes. (I do a lot of dishes.)

My son's very first school picture.

My son.

Mine.

And. I am so thankful for him. So, very, thankful.

OK folks..... I know you're all as eager as we are (OK, truthfully, you're not, I'm just being kind *laughing*....).... I'll keep you posted.

xo
K.