letting go.....

Throughout the day, and throughout my sleep, this is what I'm considering.

But.

It's more of a question.

As in,

HOW am I going to....

let go?

Truthfully, I keep coming back to K2.

My precious, precious,

K2.

My baby.

The one who cries for me.

Me.

Only me.

As in,

Walking towards me, or looking for me, arms raised, walking around anyone and anything in his way, crying, seeking out,

Me.

T took the kids to the playground this afternoon. When they got back, I was in the kitchen making dinner. T took all three kids upstairs for their bath. K2 climbed the stairs, trailing behind the others, looking back,

At me.

And I thought.

HOW.

How do I let go of him?

M is different. I think she knows "who" I am. I think she sees me as someone who is in charge. Someone she is supposed to listen to (but, often doesn't). She wants me usually when she sees K2 wants me. Or she needs something from me... help, a snack, milk....

But, K2.

He wanted me from the start..... Way back to the hotel room in CA. That first week. The week we met. K2 fell asleep on me, snoring softly, breathing steadily, secure.

With me.

I believe that God's hand is in this situation. I don't know that He orchestrated it, I just know He's here. And while that's comforting, that is not all that is getting me through.

I think the only way that I can TRULY let go, is if I understand, or believe, or accept, or..... at least tell myself that,

they were never "mine" to hold on to.

If I believe that someone is taking my babies away. MY babies. Then I won't survive this. I need to believe that M and K2 were supposed to be mine, only for a season. That there was a purpose, but, that purpose wasn't for- always. It was just for a season.

If I can hold on to that. Trust that. Believe that.

Then maybe.

Just maybe.

When the day comes. When That Day Comes.

I can let go.

And survive.

xo
K.