my aching heart.....

T and I decided to run a few errands today. It started out as a simple trip really, then we realized that we should get a few items while they are in stock.

Holiday items.

Things run out quickly here on post so if you don't buy it when you see it, you'll wish that you had.

Anyway.

I picked up a few stocking stuffers for J.

And that was OK.

Then we went to the luggage area. I realized that we need something to carry M and K2's things in when we bring them back to the states. Something that will be theirs. Something that they can take with them.

Of course my mind started going a mile a minute with WHO would be taking them home that night. Will the birthmother show up or will K3's Mom show up? Will they both show up? What if nobody shows up? What then? (We are arranging to do "this" in a court house, giving the twins the very best chance to go, wherever it is they should go. We want everyone involved in this situation to be held accountable, hence the court house).

So.

We picked out two, large, black duffles.

And my mind started wandering to what I would be filling the bags with. I know which stuffed animals I'll be packing. I also know some of the toys I'll be packing.

Then there was so much grief inside of me it came spilling out, right there in the store.

I cannot believe we have to pack their things and send them away. From us.

Away from us.

It was in the "Four Seasons" (seasonal item store) that I realized I needed to go home. I was standing there with items in my hands for J, surrounded by items I WANTED to buy for M and K. There was a 3 pack of Nerf balls that K would love, dress up princess shoes for M, bikes that we will never see them ride.....

It was too much.

Yesterday I was FINE.

This morning, still fine.

This moment. Not so much.

I would like to go to bed, and wake up in a month or so.....

But.

I won't. I can't.

I'll put one foot in front of the other until this is over.

Then I'll put one foot in front of the other again.

xo
K.