The big picture

.....and the little details.

That's what's been on my mind today.

I am realizing just how BIG all of this is - and - how very, very detailed, to the very tiniest detail, it is, at the same time.

I think of our situation and the lives it's affecting. People who are considering adoption, people who haven't considered adoption until now, people who have adopted, and people who have been adopted themselves.

I think of our birth mother and the example we are to her, good and bad.

Our birth father. He's never met us. Does he want to? Would that change anything? Would meeting us make things better? Or worse?

I think about all the people who know us and the people who know OF us and the example we are being. (Again, good and bad).

I think about the what if's and wonder... What kind of example will I be if the news on December 2nd is not good? Should I have a plan in place in case the news is bad? Should I have friends on the side lines so that they can take over in case I have some sort of break down? Life will have to continue.... but, will I be able to?

Of course I WILL. I just can't imagine it.

What about M and K2? I think of their precious lives, and their futures. With us vs. not with us. Then I think about the lives that they could affect, on each given path. Good and bad.

I think about J. He loves his brother and sister. I mean, he really does. Occasionally he tattles, JUST to get them in trouble.... but, really? All of their interaction with each other is pretty positive. IF we loose the twins how will that effect J?

The biggest thing I can't seem to get out of mind is this.... HOW can I protect them if I am not with them? How can I make sure they are OK and safe and loved if I am not their Mom? How will they know how much I love them if I can't be there to tell them?

I have always said, about my miscarriages, that at least I lost my children before I met them. That I couldn't imagine meeting my children and then losing them. That at least I never got as far (in my pregnancies) as hearing a heart beat.

I've met my children. I don't want to lose them.

I think of the battle that must be going on in the spiritual world, and I think the battle is big.

There is a lot at stake here.

So let's pray, and let's pray hard.

xo
K