there is a difference

I have been burying myself in books this week.

The latest book I'm reading is "Wounded Children Healing Homes" and I cannot recommend it enough.

It is walking me through what happens to the brain during early neglect and trauma... The neurological pathways that form at infancy during the bonding with the parent..... The pathways that are simply NOT FORMED at all when there is neglect....when the bonding that should occur, does not.

Sometimes the simpliest phrasing, or word choice can make a huge difference... To me anyway...

There is a common thought regarding adopted children and it is this: 'He or she is pushing you (away) to see if you will also leave them.'

On many, many, levels I agree with this.

But.

There is also a thought process that joins in with that thinking..... they are pushing ME away to see if I will leave them.

We - personalize it.

One of the biggest challenges I face is NOT taking my children's behavior personally.

If I live by this thought, that they are trying to push me away to see if I'll leave, then it is personal.

I am starting to turn away from this thought. Certain pathways would need to be formed for this thought process to occur. I think there may be a slight difference here... I think that there is a survival instint that is occurring.

My daughter doesn't "think" I'm going to leave, she "KNOWS" I'm going to leave. It's actually BEYOND that... or NOT that at all.

She is not "pushing me away".... She doesn't think that I'm here TO push away, she is simply surviving in her reality of a world that is around her.

If it were that "simple" a thing, then it would stand to reason that after YEARS of being with me, time would just PROVE that I wasn't going to leave.

It's deeper than that.

She is used to crying with nobody coming to her (I believe).

That pathway is formed.

She already "KNOW"S that crying for help is of no use.

I need to show her that it IS of use.

We need to form THAT pathway.

If I can look at behavior in our house, as a neurological issue.... If I can look at certain things like lack of remorse, for what it IS (the absence of a pathway that should have been formed, through teaching, by a parent, in infacy), then I won't wonder WHY my child "doesn't care."

Did you know that remorse is TAUGHT? That it is actually present in a neurological pathway in the brain?

Shame and guilt are taught. And when they are not? There is a replacement .... and it is self loathing.

To take the emotional piece out of all of this? Because I CAN? Because it's the TRUTH? Well, that will change so much..... That will change everything really....

Anyway....
'Just had to share.
xo
K.