Today I was shaking... yesterday I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack (which I don't say lightly, I used to suffer from anxiety attacks)... It was that heart beating out of my chest feeling, that inner shaking, the sense of helplessness.
Our daughter continues to rage...
I continue to pray for our kids... and I continue to search for answers and techniques to get through to the other side of all of this.
The rages can be triggered by the simpliest of things .... like "Yes you may, please put your toys away first." for example..... that can lead into a complete, full fledged, ear piercingly loud, fit. Today's lasted about 30 minutes I think... Today I had the where with all to use techniques I've recently read about...adapting them to my personality..... we got to the other side of it...
... now I sit here .... shaken, exhausted, drained.
Scared.
Doubting.
In a way I wish I COULD rage.... the RELEASE that it must bring....
But day after day she rages on and on ... with seemingly NO release at all.
She will scream at me with pure hatred.
Such hate in those beautiful eyes.
Once she has fully calmed (the other day I think it took two hours) it is as if a switch has been flipped... while it's not genuine, it's (on the surface) very sweet.
I finally broke down and made an appointment with a Child Psychologist. Oh how I wish we could continue EMDR here... I am fairly certain that there is another diagnosis that has yet to be stated.... My guess right now is it is something sensory... We shall see.
The only way I can think to describe what's happening is ..... I'm just not able to reach her. I need to find out WHERE she is, then I can get there.
I find myself staring off into space wondering what on earth happened in those first 18 months of her life..... What is tormenting her? Is she trying to let go of it, but, IT is stronger than she is, and it is pulling her back from healing?
I think often of the future.... what we will all look like 10 years from now .... If we are all still here, because life is not predictable at all, will we look back on these days and only see a faint, blurry, image?
Mostly I wonder ...
Will she love me then?
xo
K.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry. have been through that. They don't rage so much anymore, but it used to be daily from both the twins - for hours on end. Do seek help to find the cause. For the twins it was the adjustment and trying to get their way... it used to work with previous caregivers. Also, frustration, anger at their inabilities... And hatred for me trying to be their mom when they wanted full control. It has been rough. We don't rage often now... but we can still sport a nasty attitude. It's a puzzle all the time. God is my refuge.
Oooh Kristy, you are so amazing! I do not know how you manage this on a day to day basis. I would go mental, and I do, with my two boys, whose story I know from the very beginning, without having to fill in the blanks like you do...As I read you, I felt such a sense of God's purpose in all this, God's bigger picture, and how He wants to redeem all this, and will. In 10 years, I think you will be blown away! Keep hacking at it, bit by bit, day by day, because those are the days that will make a difference in 10 years.
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