small victories

that quickly fade away into the horizon...

Our mornings at home are about two hours long, before the trek to school. In those two hours a lot can happen. This morning it did.

Refusal to eat a vitamin, to drink juice (to the point of finally dumping it on herself), to refusal to change the drenched outfit, while screaming she that she didn't want to wear it, didn't want to go to school,didn't want to stay home, didn't want...... any of it..... all of it.....

I finished reading "The Connected Child" last night, and was so proud of myself for handling the morning THE way I should have. It wasn't pretty, but, I didn't cave, I didn't blow, I did it "right."

Preschool is three hours......

After preschool until bedtime I was pushed, pushed, pushed..... LOOKING for a reaction..... By the end of the night I was fraying...... and I know, that I know, that I know she saw right through me...... She knew she got me.

With many children, they seek attention.... good or bad .... they want it.... When you give positive, they are pleased, and don't seek the negative anymore..... With RAD kids (Reactive Attachment Disorder) they seek the negative attention. GIVING the positive doesn't swap out the negative nicely.... it just doesn't.

All of this rage, is towards me. It's not towards my husband. Not. one. drop. of. it.

Now. My husband knows this. He's seen it first hand (when we tricked her into thinking Daddy had left.... but, he had ACTUALLY stayed..... within the minute of her thinking he had left she flew into one of her rages...... We let it go on for about 30 minutes.... Then Daddy walked into her room. Busted.) That being said..... this behavior is still towards me. After all, her bio Mother was the first betrayal in her life. I'm the next in line. It makes sense. Perfect sense.

Still.

I grieve.

I hurt.

I ache.

I wonder what's wrong with me that I can't DO this..... I'm not doing it right. That's the thing. I'm not. I know this.

I read these books and wonder.... Do people actually DO this stuff? React the way the books tell us to? Books make things all neat and tidy, wrapped up in a bow.....

I'm such a wreck. Certainly not a neatly tied up package.

If I WERE tied up, it'd be in a straight jacket straight to the asylum.

The bottom line .... as I sit her contemplating ... is this.....

She's waiting me out.

She's trying to out "crazy" me.

Well.

NOBODY knows or DOES "crazy" like me.

And?

Go ahead and wait me out.

I'll be here.

Gray haired and frazzled.

But.

Here.

xo
K.