I've had a few people check in with me via email to see what's going on because I haven't been posting much lately.
Not much has been going on, that is the truth.
But.
The other truth is, I've been very overwhelmed.
J seems to be going through the predicted "testing" period.
The period that comes, and is typical, with adopting an "older child."
I have been exhausted, frazzled, and feeling like a failure for some of the time.... and I've been searching, thinking and praying for answers for the rest of the time.
I have alternated between thinking this is why God chose US - then thinking, clearly choosing me for J's Mom was a mistake. I just can't handle this. I'm not doing any of this right. I am failing.
I start the day with hope, and end it with less hair (due to pulling it out).
Each morning I pray that I chose peace over anxiety, and sometimes I just end up crying into a glass of wine in the evening.
The truth is, I wonder if J even loves me. If he ever will.
More importantly I wonder if he knows how very much I love him.
At the age of five, his world was forever changed. Everything he "knew" was over.
Everything was different.
We - were waiting for him.
He- was not waiting for us.
I am a communicator. I think that's clear.
J, well, he is not. Maybe he was once..... but, if he was, that part of him is closed off now.
I feel like if he just knew.... if he could allow himself to feel how much we love him..... He could be free, and new, and healed, and whole.....
I feel like he's guarded.
And I don't know how to break down the walls.
So, that's the truth.
The truth is when I get feeling this way, I just don't know what to write. I don't know what to say.
I guess I'm just processing, and finding my way.....
Usually when the dust settles and my mind is clear, I'll come here and share with you.....
It's just that ......
Right now.....
I'm in the middle of some real thick dust.
xo
K.
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5 comments:
{hugs}
yes, everything changed for j, for his good.
he has YOU.
he needs YOU.
he loves YOU.
and he knows you love him.
and yes, he was waiting ... even if you can't sense it right now.
Just a possible word of encouragement, sometimes even our birth children may make us feel the very same feelings you are having right now. So hold on, be steadfast!
I had a feeling this was happening (and I have NO idea why...) but I was headed over here to send you a message that said HUG. I thought I was being directed to send YOU a hug... maybe not.
Now that I read this, I understand a little more. When we, as adults, are so stressed that we can't see straight... we seek Him and desire nothing else but to be held in his arms while we cry, throw our tantrum or just... be.
Perhaps starting and ending each day with a hug that lasts a few heartbeats... a good hug will reassure him. Who knows... maybe YOU just need a hug afterall.
~Me
Isn't that just like us and God? We're closed up and guarded and put up our walls. And He just thinks....if they only knew how much I loved them. And he's faithful and patient and just keeps loving us unconditionally. :-)
be faithful, be strong.
deep breathes!
love you!
Laura
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