How could anybody ever be sad around the holidays?

I remember wondering that many years ago.

My Mom and I were gearing up for another holiday season. She told me that the holidays were very hard for many people.

I just couldn't wrap my mind around that as a young girl. How? Why? Isn't everyone happy around the holidays?

Fast forward to this afternoon. Way over here in Seoul. As I prep the stuffing for tomorrow's feast.

Maybe it was the familiar smell as the stuffing got closer and closer to being "done".

Maybe it was the Christmas carols playing in the background. (Yeah, I know... it's early... I'm a Christmas carol NUT. Let's try to stay focused, OK?....) :)

The tree's lit.... I've got candles burning.... It is Christmastime (for me).... The holidays are here....

As I was standing over the stove, stirring all the ingredients together, I felt this sudden rush of emotions. I took a deep breath to push back the tears that were threatening to flood over and pour down my cheeks.

I want my babies.

The babies I've lost and the babies I'm still waiting for.

I've had three miscarriages, two, were very close together. That being said, I should have two little ones running around underfoot.... Our first baby would be about five.... our next would be over a year old....

I just did not think we would have ANOTHER Christmas without our baby.

Why?

OK. Here come the tears.

I'm not even going to bother to try to stop them. They're going to come eventually anyway. Better for them to come now, while it's just me and the keyboard.... Better now then tomorrow when we will have a house full of company, half of which will be people I don't know well...

I miss my babies. The babies I never got to meet.... That I won't meet on this side of heaven.... and I long to hold the baby that will one day be ours.

Six years ago (on December 23rd), T and I drove home in stunned silence. We had driven to the Dr's office incredibly excited. The day had finally arrived. We were going to have an ultrasound. We were going to hear our baby's beating heart. As far as we knew, I was having a healthy pregnancy and was approaching my 12th week.

The Doctor couldn't find the heartbeat.

There was no heartbeat.

Suddenly I was no longer the same person.

I don't know who I was at that moment. I was outside of myself.

We went home.

I don't know if I turned any lights on.

I sat in darkness.

I had to.

I didn't want to leave the house for days. Didn't leaving mean that life was going to move forward?

How was I supposed to move forward?

I could barely move. I couldn't breathe.

I remember sobbing as I laid in bed that night.

I prayed that God would start my baby's heart. He raised Lazarus.... He could bring my baby back to life too.

So that's what I prayed. And prayed.

I long to hold our baby.

I miss our babies.



So, there's that......

There's the fact that I cannot hear the song "Silent Night" without remembering all the Christmas Eve's that my Mom sat on the piano bench, slowly plunking out the notes to the song. Slow and steady. She would sing the soprano part and I, in my shaky, insecure, voice, would try to sound out the alto part.... Thinking I was remembering it correctly, from that year's school Christmas concert....

I miss Ted's Dad and his gentle nature. He was an amazing cook. The first year I met him was my big "vegetarian" year... He made me my very own batch of "meatless" stuffing.

He used to buy dresses for me. He was so happy to have a daughter.

I love that he was comfortable in "my" kitchen. He was comfortable everywhere. So easy going..... I remember asking him if he knew why our dog only begged when HE was in the kitchen? :) Our first dog would sit nice and pretty - RIGHT beside Dick - while he cooked. HHHmmmmmm..... I wonder why......

He had loving eyes... Eyes that said he knew what you were feeling. He wasn't a big words guy... He was truly a man who's actions spoke louder than any words could.

As I slowly chopped up the onions I thought of my friend Cheryl. How she could whip up any meal, any size, for any amount of people and not worry about the outcome. She was amazing in the kitchen. The best cook ever. And her heart? Huge. She was definitely a person who meant it when she said "the more the merrier".

So here I sit... realizing. Understanding what my Mom said many years ago.... Understanding like only a "grown up" can understand. That yeah, the holidays are really tough for a lot of people.

That being said. Now I'm going to ask you not to worry about me. :) I am fine. It's just one of those days. A day when a bunch of stuff comes flooding in and sort of takes you by surprise.

I am happy.

I'm just sad today.

Thanks for listening....

xo
K