OK. I'll ask.

Why?

Why not me?

I found out earlier in the week that someone I know is pregnant. She and her husband have been trying for a really long time. They are "finally pregnant". Things are going really well.

I am happy for her. I'm happy because being pregnant is a wonderful, amazing experience. I'm happy for her because I myself, know the happiness of being pregnant. (Even if my pregnancies didn't last). I am happy for her that they are finally going to have a baby.

The first time I was pregnant I remember thinking that I didn't think it was possible to be as happy as I was.

My heart is so heavy right now.

I feel like I am a balloon that has a slow leak.

I am feeling that old, familiar, deep, pain and longing.

And I just don't know why it can't be me who "finally gets pregnant".

If I were actually talking about this out loud right now, I wouldn't want any words of wisdom. I wouldn't want any encouragement. I wouldn't want a hug. I guess I would just want whoever I was talking with to just sit there. In silence. Because nothing can take away the ache that is in my heart right now.

I know that tomorrow will be a better day. That I'll come out on the other side of this.

I know that the Lord is with me in all this. And I believe in His perfect plan. I promise you that I do. Today is just a day that is a hard day for me.

I guess I just wanted to share my feelings tonight.


We did have a really good day today. I'll share that later, maybe tomorrow.
xo
K.