the white girl

I've been feeling like I want to write about my experience getting M's braids done the other day.

It wasn't a good experience, at least initially.

We had an appointment for 10 AM. I figured it wouldn't be more than two hours, that I could get M lunch right after, then get her down for a nap, and life would be grand.

Shortly after 10 our stylist came over and said she had to "quickly braid her client's hair" and that she'd be with us soon.

At 11:30, she called us over to a styling chair.

11:30.

We waited at the chair for at least 10 more minutes while she washed someone else's hair.

Washed. Combed out. Flat ironed, and styled.

She sent another woman over to start taking M's braids out.

That woman didn't look at me much. She said that if I had left the braids in any longer that they would have dreaded. (As in dread locks). I let her know those braids were a first time for us, and that I was told that they'd last a month.

I apologized.

She didn't respond.

After taking out about four braids she left to do someone else's hair.

Our stylist came back over and started taking out braids and said "Mom, you don't know how to do this?" I let her know I had never done it, but, if she showed me, I'd help. She said that'd help her out, she had other ladies hair to do. She showed me how, and then went on to her other clients.

By this time it was about noon. M had to go potty, so we went. Then I took out all her braids.

Standing there, among all the stylists..... working over M's head.

It took a long, long time.

I felt like crying... Not because I had to take out the braids. But, Because I didn't understand.

Is this normal?

Just suddenly having someone take the braids out themselves? (When I scheduled the appointment, we discussed that M had braids that the stylist would be taking out, that there is an extra charge for this).

I wondered.

Is this because I'm white? (I was the only white girl in the salon).

Is everyone staring at me? (I wouldn't look up, I stayed focused on the task at hand).

Do people think I'm a white girl that married a black man and maybe people don't like that?

Is anybody/everybody watching me thinking "Serves her right for putting those braids in that poor girl's hair." ??

Am I being judged?

When our stylist came back, I had two braids left.

I decided to SLIDE into the "conversation" that we were in the adoption process.

I don't know if it was that.

If it was my imagination.

I don't know what it was.

But.

There was a shift.

Our stylist started chatting with me. She combed out M's hair. Gave it a good wash. And boy those braids were done lickity split.

Do not think M didn't melt down.

She did.

Because by the time her hair started getting braided it was about 1:30.

1:30.

I wondered why I wasn't just asked to take out the braids at 10 AM when we got there.

M was SCREAMING, totally exhausted.

Everyone was understanding. Realizing how good she had been. That she was just tired.

Another stylist invited us to her church on Sunday.

Maybe it was all in my head.

Maybe.

That's not the point though.

The point is that IT still exists.

No matter what race we are, we still feel like minorities sometimes.

It's uncomfortable.

We've changed.

We've evolved.

But.

As individuals, we still feel insecure.

Judgmental.

Judged.

It was a humbling experience for me. One that I hope has changed me for the better. I don't ever want to make anybody feel the way I felt.

To be clear, I'm not saying anybody MADE me feel any particular way. I'm just saying I felt that way. Whether it was there or not. I felt something.

I'm not accusing anybody.

It could have very well ALL been in my head.

Everything ended well. Our stylist was very sweet, assuring me that next time we will be in and out. It was just a busy day, and those were not her braids, so they were more difficult to take out. She explained that the ladies she did ahead of us were on a time schedule, that they had to get out of there.....

I understood.

Still, I do feel changed by it all.

If anything I feel like I want to push through barriers..... Show people who I am, who we are as a family.... I want to get to a place where I am comfortable not explaining a thing.

It'd be nice if we all felt that way.

xo
K.