seasons at the speed of sound

The song I have in my head today is Circle Game by Joni Mitchell.

The chorus specifically:

"And the seasons, they go 'round and 'round, and the painted ponies go up and down. We're captive on a carousel of time...."

I am on a carousal of rapidly changing seasons these days.

The other day, as you read, I wrote about believing that maybe - just maybe - we won't go to trial.

The next morning I woke up to an inbox of emails from our attorney and our birth mother.

I started my day replying to these emails and pretty much welcomed back the knot in my stomach, throat and heart.

The deep fear that I have been keeping at bay, came back in.

I spent the day, half in fog, deep in fear, that we could still loose the twins.

That it's not over.

When the fear comes back in, it's with a vengeance. It is as if it takes me over and I'm on the outside looking in.

Back in November I was terrified.... but... I felt that we would somehow survive - if the worst - happened.

Now? No. I cannot even imagine it.

I shared my fears with our attorney, who immediately put me back at ease.

Yet.

I sit here today, in the after shocks of it all.

I go from peace, to fear, to anger....

I don't understand how our situation is even possible.

It's not as simple to me as this is all just - "unfair."

I know life is not fair or predictable. I just feel that our laws, should be.

Peace, fear, anger....

Conviction....

Which brings me to my NEXT point.

T and I are watching a series on child rearing from our home church. I realize that in our current situation, I am like a young child.....

'Yes Lord, I know there is something I can learn from this, and that you will protect me, and that I need to listen to you, and that I just need to trust that you know what is best for me..... But.... Can we be done now? Can I have what I want - right - now - instead?"

Do you see why I feel crazy half the time?

I am in a constant state of fluctuating emotions....

If you see me out and about and I look like I am in a daze, well, it's because I am.

xo
K.