I started writing. In the hopes of writing an actual book. A book that would tell our story.
The introduction was easy. The pre-kid stuff wasn't hard at all.... even as I retold the story of our miscarriages. I think if anything I felt sorry for the woman I was writing about.
The woman didn't really feel like ... me.
I wrote about the initial contact with our birth mother.
And I started to slow down.
I wrote about meeting the children. The initial shock of it all.
Now. I'm stuck. Because now I'm at the part where the hell started.
When the lies began to surface.
When fear slapped us in the face.
The part where we felt we were at the mercy of our birth mother and all of her crazy schemes.
The part where our world,
turned upside down.
The part where our birth father contested.
The part where our adoption process was pulled, from underneath us.
I have a whole file of emails that I've written to a very, very (very) small group of people. These few people know the whole story. The ugly - horrible - awful - painful HELL that we went through for two years.
I was reading through these emails today and I didn't simply feel sorry for the woman I was writing about.
I felt deep pain, reopened.
I felt my throat tighten.
My eyes fill.
I felt dread. Deep, scary dread.
I don't know how to tell a story that will adequately convey ...
the desperate pleas that my soul screamed...
day in and day out.
Reading through some of my old emails today.... I don't know how any of you could handle the stress of it all. One day everything was fine - the next - nope. It wasn't. It was all horrible.
Pray for us. Pray for me. Pray for the children. I would beg, every day.
I'm surprised we weren't all medicated.
Funny thing, I did read an email I had written to my Sister E one night that was signed, something along the lines of, 'I just took a Valium, and I'm going to bed.'
I think I need somebody to tell my story for me.
Because right now I'm just not finding the words.
xo
K.
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7 comments:
I have an idea. You tell my story and I'll tell yours. Because I don't even know where to start or how to tell it without throwing my child's parents under the bus and having said child hate me someday for doing it.
Say the word, Love Bug. :)
You will find the words...I have faith. Maybe now is just not the time since it is still so fresh and raw. Take your time. There is no hurry.
Let your emails and blog be your guide. Like you've done every step of the way, pray for the strength and guidance. You are such a strong woman. I know you can do this. If ever you need support, I am here for you, too.
xoxo
Sometimes God gives us a voice so that we may release in the form of words.
It's your story to share. I love you.
Wow. When I hurt and feel beyond words, a bath, a glass of something containing alcohol (or a valium if need be) and a good solid cry usually do the trick. Remember, God was in the grace you found during all of those times. It was inspiring.
You might consider making your blog the book - really, simply transcribing your actual blog entries and the comments you received from the people who were following you at the time. Their is both poetry and drama - you've got it all right here.
I hope you come back and blog again because no matter how hard the story is for the teller, it is still one that needs to be told.
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