upside-down

This morning I woke up to a voice mail from our birth mother. It was to wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day.”

I thought it was lovely.

A few moments later, memories came flooding back to me. Memories of deception, lies, manipulations, and hurtful behavior.

I wondered if my feeling at that moment was similar to that of an abuse victim.

The battery.

Then, the bouquet of flowers.

I allowed the moment to pass (the whole choosing peace thing).

And sat at the table for breakfast.

T announced that one year ago, today, we all sat down together, for our first breakfast in Korea.

It seems so surreal.

I don’t remember a year ago.

I don’t remember six months ago.

I feel like I’m walking in fog, and that I have been, since March 20, 2009.

About an hour or so later I received an email from one of the two attorneys that is representing the twins.

She would like to arrange a webcam call for them (both attorneys) to “meet their clients” (the twins). Of course I understand this. They need to. We expected to be hearing from them.

She let us know that we would be receiving “gifts” for the twins from A and K3.

I tried to go through the motions of all this. Replying to the email, trying to arrange an appropriate time for all of us, and a time of day that the twins will be at their best.

Then, I took the twins up to the playground.

I pushed them on the swings.

And I thought.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Right.

Seriously?

Let’s begin arrangements for this call two days before Mother’s Day.

We certainly want to make sure you don’t enjoy this weekend.

Because.

You are not, after all, their Mom.

There is a court case going on.

Remember?

I would like to believe that this was not some weird derailing attempt from the other attorney. I don’t think it is.

I believe it is fundamental insensitivity.

I had been looking forward to this weekend.

Now, the wind has been removed from my sails.

I am not their mom. I am mothering. I am parenting. I’m a guardian at this moment. We have custody.

Sure.

Whatever it is – it’s not “Mother.”

Truthfully, I don’t need (or want) comments trying to convince me that I AM the twin’s Mom. I am in the role of motherhood at this point. I understand that.

But, there is not one piece of anything – anywhere – that says I’m their “Mom.”

And.

I was reminded of that today.

That one email simply broke my heart.

And, I just can't seem to pull myself back up today.

Ugh.

xo
K.