reading

I just finished a book. I'll leave the title out of this post, because this isn't a "review." This post is really just about some thoughts the book brought to the surface. (Feel free to email me if you're interested in the title).

As I began the book I thought 'good grief, this lady (author) has some serious unresolved issue stuff going on.' Getting deeper into the book I felt, that may or may not be the case, but, I've got some stuff of my own going on.

T and I have waited a long time (in my opinion) for children. We're still - technically - waiting for two of our three.

Reading this book, if I'm going to be blunt, really annoyed me.

In the beginning.

It was all about what we, as adoptive parents, need to do. If we'd like this result, then we must make SURE we (dot dot dot)...

I felt like.... Why can't I just parent? Why can't I just be Mom?

I've waited SO LONG. Why can't I just be a Mommy at this point?

I just want to be a "Mommy."

What? If I don't do this - THIS way - then - what? My child(ren) will run back to their "real Mom?"

How do I compete with their fantasy world?

I felt cheated.

And sad.

And a bit scared.

I felt like this isn't quite fair.

Like I said though, I just finished the book.

And.

I think I get it.

The author really is trying to help. (She of course, is adopted, herself)

I guess what really sold me (and I'm sure it's because I'm a "words of affirmation" girl) is this:

(quoted from the last paragraph of the book)

"You were an astute parent before you ever picked up this book. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been interested. But now you are a creme de la creme adoptive parent."

I guess because I actually DO care about doing all of this as "right" as I can do it......

maybe,

just maybe......

everything will be OK.

It also encouraged me to push through stuff I may or may not want to hear, to get to the core of things.

If I really want to be a good Mom (a great Mom) then I need to be open to the truth - even if some truths are hard to hear (as they often are).

In a weird way it encouraged me to be more "open."

We are in an open adoption.

TRUST ME when I say I have questioned whether that was the best thing.

After reading this book, I realized.... or rather I remembered.... why I believe open adoption works.

It's not about me at all.

It's about my kids.

Their questions.

Their insecurities.

Things that THEY are, and will continue to, go through.

I do still feel like it's not really fair (for me). I'll work through it over time (I hope). I wish I was the ONLY Mommy. That it was always, only, JUST me, for Mommy.

I also feel that this was how it was supposed to happen for me, and that God chose me to mother this way.

Finally, I do feel that yes, I am a real Mom. (The author has some really great quotes regarding this as well).

I'm not sure how this open adoption will work smoothly with our birth mom, but, I am encouraged that it CAN work, not because of her, but, because of me.

xo
K.