dreams, cheese it's and a beer

I had some very strange dreams last night. The absolute nutshell is that T was not a part of them. He was not in the dreams, but, more than that… He was not a part of my life in my dreams.

I woke up as if I had just finished a long therapy session.

I was reminded of some things.

Like.

I have a wonderful marriage to a (nearly) perfect man, who loves me and treats me like a Godly man SHOULD treat his wife.

I am blessed.

Today I have three children.

I am blessed.

I worry too much and I let that worry rob me of my “today.”

Really. I worry a lot. I allow myself to be anxious - a lot.

I know this about myself. This isn’t some sudden epiphany. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time.

This morning it was different though.

In a sense I felt ashamed of my worry.

I felt the very real sense of loss.

The loss of – the present – my life – today.

I have been so consumed with everything that is going on around us that I have not been enjoying my life. My marriage. Our kids.

Today after school I looked through J’s folder and he had a lot of homework. I wasn’t sure how to tackle it with the twins in the mix. It was homework that J would need my help with.

So, I pulled out some snacks (FRESH rice cakes I bought in Seoul the other day…. I bought them at a stand WHILE they were popping) and set all three kids up at the table. J had his homework, the twins had crayons, stickers, coloring books and blank sheets of paper.

We all had snacks.

(I had Cheese It’s myself, and a beer).

I helped J, guided the twins in their crafts and just sat back enjoying the moment.

Anybody who knows me well, knows how NEAT I like everything. You all would be proud of me today. I let – it – go and just enjoyed my children. Everything was a mess, but, you know what? J was thrilled to have me there helping him, and he FLEW through all his work, the twins had a blast making a mess, and I sat back and enjoyed all that was around me.

I think I just need to remind myself to CHOOSE peace.

To choose the moment.

To not let life pass me by.

When I make mistakes – I need to choose to learn from them rather than choosing to not forgive myself over them.

I need to choose peace over and over (and over) again.

Until it’s no longer a choice, but, a way of life.

xo
K.