am i crazy?

Every night when we check on the kids before we go to bed, we pray for them, silently.

My prayers for J usually go something like this..... "Make him a righteous man of God, walking under Your authority, according to Your will, all the days of his life. Bless him, all the days of his life."

For K2 and M the prayers start the same way and end with covering their adoptions, guiding our attorney's, changing the heart's of their (biological) family members... please, finalize their adoptions soon. Let them be ours forever. End this soon. Let there be NO more bumps along the way. Keep them with us always.

As I have my hand on M's head, or I'm holding K2's skinny, long, fingers, I feel waves of anxiety rush through me as I realize this isn't over yet. We are still praying for them to be ours. They are still, not ours. I try not to give in to it, I pray it through, I remind myself that our attorney J2 is very confident. She "knows" we will win.

But.

It's still not over.

And that is in the front of my mind. The fear.

Even in the midst of parenting toddlers. The exhaustion.

Communicating with our birth mother. The frustration.

Which makes for a crazy person. (me)

I literally go to bed fearing losing them, and wake up not wanting to get out of bed because my day is so long, and so exhausting.

I sound depressed with that last sentence, I'm not.

I think I'm just a bit crazy.

I don't know how I can feel ALL of these feelings at once and not be crazy.

I found myself thinking a few weeks ahead, to when T will be going away for work. I got very anxious at the thought of being on my own with the kids (many people do it - and are doing it right now - I realize this).

Then I thought - What about when T deploys? HOW will I do it?

Then I thought - WHAT IF WE LOST THE TWINS??? WHAT THEN???? What if we don't even end up with them FOR ME to be on my own with them?!?!

I would rather be on my own with all three - then lose two of them. I would rather be exhausted and have all three.

I said to T that I have allowed myself to feel that we are going to win in the end and that if for some reason we don't.... Then I don't know.

I don't know that I will survive it.

I know I "will."

I just don't know how.

I keep telling myself that we will win. That this will be over soon. (Well, not soon, but, eventually).

I feel like something needs to give. Something. Something needs to shift to a stable place.

The finances are getting there. The tax returns were a HUGE help because of the tax credits we received for J's finalization. That being said, our entire retainer has been used up and we just paid the first of many bills that will be sent from this point forward. It seems that we will be billed from this point on, unless we go to trial, then we will need another lump sum payment.

I know God is providing and He will continue to. I know this. I have claimed it over and over again.

We still don't know where we are moving next. It's either to a place where we have great friends and a great church ready and waiting for our return - or a place where we don't know anybody. I want to know so I can get into a certain frame of mind. I like to prepare. Get my mind set. Get organized.

I like to be ready.

So instead I'm cleaning and purging things in the house. Constantly organizing and rearranging and "getting ready" for ....

whatever.

Crazy.

Right?

xo
K.