Rated R

If I had to rate this post, I think that’s what it would have to be rated. If, I were to, let’s say, oh, I don’t know… FULLY Describe what I just experienced.

I had my first massagE today. (They say the “silent E” here).

Now, before you start thinking about how brave I am… I did go to a “spa” (and I say that loosely) here on post. That being said, the spa has only Koreans for employees.

I went into the “spa” and asked if they do full body massage. Yes. OK, great. Do you do DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE. Yes. Excellent. Now, I don’t want slapping, OK? No slapping. (They like to do that, I think it’s a circulation thing, they slap and “karate chop”). Yes. OK. No slapping. We do. Yes.

Excellent.

For any readers who’ve had a “spa day” or a professional massage of any kind… Remove those images from your mind. That was not my experience today. Are all those thoughts and images gone? OK. Good. I’ll continue.

So, I followed my person into a back room. I could not contain my surprise (ie I blurted out “OH”) when I saw a huge (about 300 lbs), oily man, lying on his stomach. No worries. He had a (small) towel over his (large) behind. So I “didn’t see a thing”… I walked past the man, to the next section and the woman asked me to undress.

Right.

Um… I pointed to the NEXT “section” (the last section) and asked if I could have that one. Confused, she told me I could.

The little sections had divider thingys that they pulled to give each person “privacy”. (ah hem…)

She stood in front of me for the majority of the time, while I undressed.

I lied on my back, as instructed, and waited for the massage to begin.

You know that nice music they usually play? Streams, running water, waves crashing… or maybe something like Enya… Right. Not here. I got to listen to “Oldies”. You know… “My Girl”, “When a Man Loves a Woman”… Those oldies.

I hate Oldies.

I am ticklish, which was frustrating for her. I think because she didn’t know what “ticklish” means. I finally put my hands where I am ticklish (The very top of my legs) to block her. That helped.

Now, one of the “R” rated parts? Ummm… I really don’t know how to describe this with "G" rated readers who enjoy this blog reading this....I’m serious. I have never had done to me… What was done to me… In that room. I felt like I was in some sort of..."adult" movie... That’s all I’m saying about that.

OK, moving on.

I should give you a couple of tips. If you are going to have a massage here, you best be VERY comfortable with your ENTIRE body. You also best be, very, very, VERY, flexible.

I’m neither.

At one point I went to my happy place because I was in so much pain. Moments later I was literally, trying not to laugh because this whole situation was so ridiculous.

I forgot to mention that when I flipped over, from lying on my back, to lying on my stomach, they switched girls.

The girl that came in to massagE my back side? Well, she climbed up on the table, with me, and straddled me. I’m not quite sure what she was doing back there. I do know that it hurt so much I was trying not to cry. I’m serious. The pain was horrible.

When the other woman came back to join us (notice I didn’t say she came back “in”… I can’t say that because I wasn’t in my own room…remember?) she announced that the “rest will be stretchEE”. At that I started to laugh. She was happy that I was so happy, so she laughed as well.

The back lady pulled me up, UP and backwards, I was still laying on my stomach, she pulled me, hard, by my arms, until the other lady told her to stop… She did something horribly painful to both of my legs, it was some other kind of up and back, pretzel, like stretch thing… They kept doing this until I laughed some more, I think they realized that I must be “done”.

The back lady started “karate chopping” my back, and the other lady yelled at her to stop. “SHE SAID NO – DON’T DO THAT”. (The no slapping thing I had mentioned earlier…). The back lady came around to announce that they were done, and the other lady gave HER a slap. I guess that was for slapping me.

When they walked away to let me get dressed, I laid for a moment, on the table (when you’re supposed to be slowly waking from your relaxing slumber), and started to laugh. I laughed until I gained control of myself, then got dressed and headed the heck outta there.

I should add that the whole reason I decided to get a massage (EEEE) today was because I had started my day at the Doctor. Apparently I have “Viral Respiratory Illness”. Basically, I am congested, from the pollution, and that’s throwing everything else out of whack… I’ve got ear aches and vertigo, and my eye balls hurt, so I’m wearing my eye glasses (instead of contacts)… I thought it would be nice, if I had a relaxing massage… You know, so I would feel better.

Right.

Xo
K.