a different kind of mother

I am realizing that I am not good at intentionally embracing something. The older I get the more I understand how I function..... I'm a slow learner. I take things in, but, they don't always register right away. Sometimes it can be years before something clicks for me. I'm sure that can be frustrating for those who know me.

My parents learned this about me. I wish I could ask them how long it took them to see this, or if it was always something they just kind of knew.

I remember breaking off an engagement..... and my Mother telling me after the fact that she knew that boy was not the right one for me. I asked her why she never told me that, she said that she knew I would realize it. That she also knew it had to be my decision. On my own. That I had to realize it all by myself. (Personally I thought that was a risky move on her part).

Something that I could never intentionally embrace is how things have ended up with our family. Our kids. I've never been able to choose to let go. Eventually I can (it's not a frequent thing, but, it has happened). I've never been able to guide my emotions in such a ...... direct way.

Today though.

As I was getting dressed

I looked at my tree of necklaces..... and I chose this one from my friend R. R has gone through this journey with me, literally by my side, feeling her own kind of pain, while I felt (feel) mine. I don't think it's a coincidence that the circle that had "strength" stamped into it was broken off by one of my kids. So. "Strength" is gone....... but what remains is something else.

Something.....Raw.

Peace.

Reality.

Ugly.

Life.

Beauty.

Not Facebook life. Not magazine cover life. Just life. Broken, struggling, pulling up bootstraps every day - life. Days that I hate everything. Days that I cannot believe God loves me so much.

Maybe I should just add disks to this necklace.

Hope.

Promises.

Love.

Without realizing it..... I have embraced my life. My reality. That I am a mom to a son that will most likely never live with us again. To a daughter who most often does not like me or trust me, who I hope will love me fiercely one day. To a son who is quite possibly the happiest boy on the planet..... His little body can barely contain the joy that is inside him.

I'm a different kind of mother.

XO
K.