no better place

I didn't want to go to church today. I had lots of reasons (read "excuses") why. None of them valid. None of them even reasonable. And you'd think that by my 47th year of life I would understand that if I didn't want to go to church, there was absolutely a good message for me to hear there. And there was.

You'll remember that I've said that I'm slow to process things. I can hear something many times and not actually HEAR it. Then one day - boom. It slaps me across the face.

Because sometimes? I need to be slapped.

"There is no better place to be then in the center of God's will" is what I heard today.

And it hit me.

That means I'm drowning in my own will everyday because of fear.....pride..... because of anger.....because of loss, grief, sadness........

Drowning in it.

I can't be in the center of God's will if I'm ...... there.


What specifically comes to mind is my daughter. As I go head to head with her, I am carrying years of rejection and lack of self worth, expecting her to somehow heal me of all that by validating me as a mother. (Can you tell I've gone to therapy?). I'm most certainly NOT in the center of God's will there. No.

Because you see.

The center of God's will is chuck full of mercy, love and forgiveness.

And when I'm angry and seeking some kind of justice, there is no room for God in that. GOD is justice. Not me. He could force His way in there, sure. But. That's not how He operates. He wants us to invite Him in. (He gave us free will after all). He wants us to CHOOSE him. To be free in Him.

To be in the center of His will. Because there is no better place to be.......

So, not my will. But. HIS. Because it's better there.

Not my pride. Not my justice. Not my way. Not my anger. My fear. My grief over lost dreams. It's not better there.

My choices need to be the choices HE'D want me to make.

It's better there.

xo
K.