hitting a stride

I never posted much of anything about finalizing the twins' adoptions.

Initially it was simple shock. It had been such a long journey, it didn't feel like it could possibly be over.

I didn't know how to shift my emotions. I had been locked into them for so long.

T also had one foot out the door for his deployment.

And.

Our adoption is still "open."

This is something I still struggle with and have also made changes to.

Open adoption CAN be a wonderful thing. I am sure there are many, wonderful, incredibly functional and fulfilling open adoptions.

I just don't know any situations like that personally.

I have, in the recent months, created strong boundaries, not to be crossed, with our birth mother. I am feeling stronger and stronger as each day passes.

With these boundaries.

With time.

I am feeling more like ....

Mom.

It's been over two years and I think I am JUST NOW starting to feel normal. I say "my kids" instead of "well, we're in the process of adopting......."

I fall straight to sleep at night.

I wake up in the morning and check email to see if I've heard from T (versus seeing what kind of crazy, heart stopping, news our inbox may hold).

I pay bills without having my stomach in knots regarding our finances.

I am thankful.

For what WAS.

For what IS.

I am changed. I THINK for the better.

I have peace.

I was just emailing T about our day today. It was just an OK day really. The kids weren't great...... But. The day overall was OK. I was OK. They were OK. WE ARE OK.

I was SO overwhelmed before when the kids weren't behaving and I think it was simply because I had NOTHING left, energy wise, to put towards the children. I was so overwhelmed with everything else..... Everything felt so messy, and dark, and sad, and scary.

Did I mention dark?

Even though we are now in the midst of a year long deployment.

I feel.....

normal.

Good.

I feel like a Mom, who is tired at the end of the day, who loves her kids (that drive her coo-coo), who misses her husband/best friend.

I feel - normal.

And

Normal feels really good.

xo
K.