the raft

The other night, sleeping on the waves of the ocean that is our life now, fear grabbed me by the ankle, pulling me under, deep, deep.... under...... into the dark abyss.

I woke. Terrified. As if I was still gasping for air, reaching.... reaching for the life raft.

Thankful for different time zones, I picked up the phone, even though it was 1:30 AM my time. I was prayed over, fear was cast out, I went back to bed, and slept safely, out of fear's grip.

The next morning I was weak from the night's struggle. My husband too was..... weak?.... tired? ..... spent....not quite where he had been..... We were scared. We headed to a doctor's appointment. Not our usual doctor, but, a "second set of eyes" doctor. We were encouraged by him, as well as his positive demeanor. Interestingly enough the day before I had said to a close friend "I just wish someone would tell us it's going to be OK"..... this doctor? He said that. He actually said "You're going to be OK".... and I felt like that was right from God's mouth to our ears. We had another appointment that afternoon, with our regular doctor, who is more of a "plan for the worst" personality.... which...... I don't know..... how do you fight CANCER while "planning for the worst"? How do you fight something if you're planning on losing the fight? You can't. Well, I can't anyway. So, I clung to that first appointment for the rest of the day.

Today though. Today was ...... I don't know what it was...... but, it was our first appointment with Oncology. And I wish that I could breeze right through it..... power through. Be a rock. Be the strength I should be, I need to be, for my husband.

But as I walked through the doors, I felt my past come rushing in. I found myself trying to breathe deeply in and out so I wouldn't start to cry... Pretending that this ugly thing and I have never met.

But we have met. We've met in my past.

But. I didn't cry. I kept breathing. In. Out. Breathing.

We met with the Oncologist who was kind of middle of the road. Not glass half full. Not glass half empty. He's ..... just a glass. A good glass. A glass with stuff in it.

The most important thing he said?

His treatment is curative.

He? Is treating for a cure. He's got a plan. He is aggressive. He talked about our future. About when we leave this place someday and go somewhere else...... He talked about after all of this.

Life where we aren't clinging to the raft, but, rather floating peacefully on it.

Just floating.

xo
K.