who am I talking to?

Often when I hear myself speaking .... about someone else..... I realize pretty much everything I'm saying?

Applies to me as well.

Don't you hate that?

We have been in a sort of downward spiral here.

From what I hear, read, and understand.... it's very difficult for kids "from hard places" this time of the year.

It's like we are in a constant state of sabotage.

Like. If I am naughty enough..... will I still get to do (fill in the blank).....

It makes sense. Perfect sense. Even after five years of stability with us. (Well. OK. Stability should be in air quotes because in five years we've had a year long deployment, and two overseas moves)...... I use the word stability? Loosely.

I find myself trying every approach to avoid this whole mess that is the holiday season.

Kindness, understanding, therapeutic conversation (is that an actual thing? if not then I'm officially making it one)......

and in my weaker moments (which are more often that I care to admit)....

Frustration and consequences......

I'm tired.

What's crazy is, I know every mom out there is tired. Tired of swimming upstream, against currents, up a waterfall...... (just to let you know how REALLY REALLY HARD this all feels).

Knowing I'm not alone doesn't always help. (Even though I've told other folks that little line - a LOT).

I (like everyone else in the world) would like to know when things are going to click. When all this therapy will REALLY show BIG effects. HUGE strides. GIANT leaps forward.
Not teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy, yellowpolkadotbikini improvements.

I hear myself wondering when my kids will get that they can trust to be - happy. That they are safe. To stop fighting authority. To submit. To learn from their lessons. To stop making the same mistakes over and over (and over and over and over) again..... To stop trying to be in control of every single thing.....to help them to understand that we are wasting TIME..... wasting "today"...... we don't know how much time we have and we need to enjoy the here and now......

and I realize that I?

Do the same thing they are doing.

THEN I realize.... goodness.... if I haven't learned all this stuff yet..... how am I to teach my kids?

CAN they learn if I haven't learned?

Or maybe.

Just maybe.....

We'll learn it side by side.

xo
K.