it's happening

March will make five years ago that we met our children.

It feels like 10 life times.

It feels like the blink of an eye.

Today during therapy, as we made laps around the apartment.... my daughter following me, doing her Army crawl, while I rolled backwards in an office chair (easier on my legs and hips) watching her.......

Something happened.

It felt warm, and rose up from somewhere deep inside me.....

My stomach?

My heart?

My bones?

I'm not sure.....

But. I recognized the feeling.

I?

I am falling in love......

with my daughter.

Attachment ........ When you feel it. You feel it.

It's strange being a Mom to children with this feeling not present. It's so hard to explain to people.... How do you explain the absence of something that is so ..... innate...... so natural...... How do you explain that lack of .... a bond .....

it's nearly impossible.

We are shifting..... and it is big...... and I am quite possibly one of the most thankful women on the planet....... The thought that we could be a "normal" (and if I could make those quotation marks HUGE I would) family.......

It's almost more than my heart can hold.

I am feeling deep, true, MOM LOVE.

What have I been feeling for the past almost five years you may be wondering......

I'm not really sure. I'm not. I have felt "love" for "the" kids from day one. Along with heartache, sorrow, desperation, anger, guilt, shame and a million other emotions.....

I have felt responsible, responsibility, accountability......

I have felt compassion......

But.

This?

This thing I'm feeling now?

It's new.

xo
K.