it's not

all puppy dogs and rainbows........

Today was a bit of a train wreck.......

My husband left yesterday morning, as the sun broke it's way up on to the horizon..... He's away for a week..... Not long - at all - in the scheme of what our life is.... Still.... he is an amazing, daily, support to me..... and I miss him every second that he is not by my side.....

Today.

Our oldest. He "worked" on school work. He. Literally. Did. Nothing. Last week in school. Am I exaggerating? Um..... No. Nothing. Nothing in school. Nothing after school. Nada. Zilch. Nothing.

Our daughter. Woke up ready to fight. How does someone wake up after 12 hours of sleep angry? (I was going to be snarky and say "ask her in 20 years" but I won't)...... I know it's neurological. I know it. I tried to reset her. Tried to coach her. Tried to calm her. We reset. Got angry. Reset. Got angry.

At one point she was throwing books at me. (I've had much worse)

When she gets like "this"........

I clear out her room.

It's happened...... well...... I've lost count really.

I have a rule.

If I "clear" your room .... a lot?

You start to lose stuff.

I?

Keep my word.

I?

Do. Not. Lie.

My kids know this. Actually. Anyone who really knows me. Knows this.

Today..... The little cubby/shelf/thingy that holds all of our daughter's bins........ Made a journey to the patio.

It now holds all our outdoor toys.

Her kitchen. (mercy she loves this thing).

Is gone.

She asked me where it was.

The trash? The garage? The closet? The patio?

No. No. No. No.

It's with a new family. With a little girl who will love it. Take care of it. With a little girl who won't throw things at her Mommy when she is mad.

A grimace came across my daughter's face...... and was gone just as quickly as it came .........

(she doesn't like me to know that I effect her).

It broke my heart.

(I, like her, don't show it).

Fast forward to a bit later in the day.....

I got this:

"Thank you Mom for putting my stuff back in my room."

(the stuff that actually made it's way back).

The truth is........

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't.

But.

I wonder.

Scratch that.

I believe?

That my daughter ...... wants me to be stronger than she is.....

She is ..... very. STRONG.

And.

She needs me?

To be stronger.

I am..

I am much stronger.

And.

Some day........When we are both ready....... I will cut the apron strings.....

and she .....

will tie them behind her own back.......

and take......

the hand of her child......

and she......

will (still) be.....

a great Mom.

Trust me.

xo
K.