honesty

is such a lonely word....

(Remember that song? I realize I'm dating myself)

I think I shocked a few of you with my most recent posts. The truth is that all that has happened is that I've started being more open and vulnerable about what I'm blogging. The truth is that this adoption journey has been far more than lawyers, money, and finalizations.

The truth is that this adoption has been life altering.

In a good way.

In a painful way.

In a productive way.

My hope was, and is, to reach out across the miles to share and help and heal others......

People are so afraid to be vulnerable. Me included..... Because to share so openly.... causes others to share as well..... and sometimes hearing from others hurts.

Even if it is beneficial.

In this day of social networking and blogging.... We have opened ourselves to other people's view points.

Fair enough.

But.

Sometimes tricky and hard.

All this to say....

Know my heart.

Those who know me, do. (I hope)

Those who don't know me, will have to just trust me.

My heart is in the right place.

Some of you may want an update on J.....

We are working with him on a deeper level these days.... My prayer is to crack that armor of his..... I know he WANTS to love us..... but, he is afraid to. I don't blame him. I'd be afraid too.

In fact.

I AM afraid too.......

I think at this point we're both afraid of the other rejecting us.

Am I the adult?

Yes.

Is he the child?

You betcha.

Does that make my responsibilty to BE the adult easier?

Nope.

Does that mean I'm not TRYING?

Of course not.

The thing is.....

It's always been J.

From the beginning.

It was J I wanted.

I first saw the photo of the children over three years ago.....

All I could think was that I just had to wrap my arms around that four year old boy.

I loved him before I ever met him. (I have told him this)

I wanted him before I ever met him. (I have told him this as well)

To the point that a dear friend asked me....

"What about the twins? Will you be able to love them? Do you only want the boy?"

I think the Lord placed this crazy, deep, stubborn love inside of me before any of this started...... to get me through what was ahead.

I know you all have grown to love these kids.... you are part of our story. Part of our miracle.

As I blog more openly, come back to this...

NO ONE loves these children more than us.....

So when I'm sharing ..... don't worry..... there is a point to the level I'm sharing in......

It's because I want to be honest. So others know they are not alone.

Because really, God wants us to HELP each other..... Our pain and trials can be beneficial to others - if we allow it.

The more I share the more I realize that there are a lot of us out there..... Fighting these painful battles.....

Can we at least try a bit harder to maintain the honesty and not edit ourselves just because we can?

I'm going to try.

xo
K.