Today was a particularly rough day.....
T is away again. This time for three weeks. I am starting to feel a bit sorry for myself.... just wanting him home ..... to be present.
As is always the case, I feel convicted immediately, thinking of people I know personally, who would give anything to have it be that their husband were just away for work..... But that ISN'T the case..... Their husband is gone. Period.
It's one of those days that I'm questioning if I'm getting any of "this" right.
Today I found myself at the playground, venting to a friend, who also needed to vent..... It was kind of funny.... We just kept venting to each other.... with barely enough strength for encouragement to give to one another ..... I think we just wanted to unload. Which really, can feel as good as getting encouragement.
Anyway..... I found myself saying....."Am I totally failing at what God's will for my life is?"......
I feel like I'm failing miserably lately.
I go through stretches where I am feeling like we are on the right track. I'm feeling good. The kids seem happy. Healthy. Balanced. Progressing.
Then there are days like today. Where it literally was horrible, from beginning to end.
So here is a question.
And I hope the answer is yes.
Is this the case in most homes, on many days?
I know many Moms go to bed at night feeling like they are falling short.
I know it's a hard job.
But, do most Moms feel like they are failing?
Or at least NEW Moms? (Technically I'm still kinda new, even though my kids are not that new).
Talk about responsibility ...... Lives are on the line. ETERNITIES are on the line..... Healing..... Renewal....... I know I parent and God heals.... But, I don't know where that line is..... Am I frustrating myself trying to accomplish something that isn't mine to accomplish?
Am I doing any of this right?
In all fairness, you can't comment that I am, because you don't live here. You don't see my crazy, frazzled, self.
How do we know if we're doing it right?
xo
K.
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3 comments:
I feel like I do many things wrong, most nights ... But you already know that. You also already know that I feel alone in that assessment. I feel like other Moms fail a lot less than I do.
I often question 'am i doing it right?' because like you hubby is absent often, thank you Army. I feel sorry for myself, have a bad day a 2year old who hits me, pulls my hair screams "NO!" at any offer of help, even candy doesn't work (yes, at times i bribe when he is in one of those moods). i often walk away for 3 min, watch my 3 year old (who doesn't know i see her) offer to help him, she can calm him like no other...and at that moment of hair pulling, streaming tears, I find bliss as I watch her, I am doing SOME things right, she wants to help someone in need and knows when Mommy might need a hand and isn't afraid to 'try.'
Being a mom is a guilty affair. I have obsessed so many times over the ways in which I have screwed up my oldest son. I already know what he is going to tell his therapist about me, I listen to adult patients talk about their moms when they were kids and I feel like they are holding a mirror to my face... It's torture! And then there is grace, there is realizing that I am dealing with a difficult, intense child, realizing that I am a good mom who is doing a hard job, but that I have limitations. Realizing that there is always room for repair, that their destiny is in His hands, not yours, and that you can let go and trust...
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