nineteen weeks

.....

and fifteen years.

Nineteen weeks down in this deployment....

Fifteen years ago since we laid my Mother's body "to rest."

That occurred to me today as facebook reminded me of several birthdays........ then I remembered....

oh.

That birthday ........ it's the same birthday as Mom.

Wait.

We buried Mom on her birthday.....

How long has it been?

1996........ 2011......

It's been fifteen YEARS?

How can that be?

Fifteen years ago I stood at my Mother's grave side, feeling like an orphan.

Forever changed.

Those of you who have lost a Mom understand this feeling.

Whether you are young,

or 27 (me when my Mother died)

or in your 50's (my Mother when she lost HER Mother) ....

it doesn't matter.

When your Mom dies. Your world turns upside down and all around, and there is just no way to explain it.

No way to grieve it.

I remember waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for my grief to flood full force....

Waiting....

Waiting.....

Then I realized.

There are just not enough tears to shed,

when your Mom dies.

So you just move forward.

Slowly,

steadily,

until you're walking again,

going through life's motions.

Time dulls the pain.

Minutes pass and the shock wears off.....

and you wait,

until you realize,

she's not coming back.

And.

You miss her.

Horribly.

Her car drives by.

Someone is wearing her perfume.

You smell her meatloaf.

You read a Mother's Day card, and wish so badly she were still here so you could send it to her.

You pick up the phone to call her, realizing.... you can't.

Then you "simply" move through the pain.....

through meeting the man of your dreams,

your wedding day,

your losses,

your gains,

your children,

your successes,

your failures,

your questions.....

and suddenly,

it's been fifteen years.

I don't have many regrets. I mean TRUE, deep regrets..... I do wish though, since having children, that I could not only apologize to my Mom.... but, thank her. I'd like to thank her DEEPLY for loving me unconditionally.

She was a wonderful Mom.

And I look forward to seeing her someday again..... in heaven.

xo
K.