stones overturned

I found out a friend of mine is pregnant. It was a surprise for her. A big surprise. They have children already. They were not planning on another, yet, here they are. Once they were able to wrap their heads around this news, they were of course, excited and over joyed. She is one of those super wife/ super mom/ great/ can do it all/ kind of ladies. She quickly realized this was all part of the plan and ran with it. If I had heard this news a year ago, it would have shaken me to the core. A surprise pregnancy? Why couldn't I have one of those? I would have cried for, oh, I don't know...... I'd say, and this is a guesstimate, about three days. I found myself instead, instantly concerned for her, then, quickly excited and happy for her. Truly. Deeply. Happy.

(stone turned over)

I was on the playground this afternoon sharing the news of our latest bill with a dear friend. She asked "Do you have any regrets?" "No" was my instant response. I know this is where we are supposed to be. I know this. Every ounce of me knows this.

(stone turned over)

I had a dream the night before last. I have been a vivid dreamer since I was a young girl. Typically I don't remember my dreams in this much detail. This particular dream though.... was different. When I woke up in the morning, remembering.... It was if I had seen a film the night before. I remembered it very clearly. Without going into details, I will say this, the dream made it clear to me (once again) that our situation goes far deeper than my desire to be a mother, deeper than my longing to have children, deeper than anything at all having to do with me. We are in a battle for these children. More than a legal battle. We are in a battle between good and evil, between The Light and darkness.

(stone turned over)

Over the past two days things are being revealed to me in ways that had been going unnoticed.

When did I become a woman who is fully and completely excited for friends who are pregnant? When was I taken out of their equation? When did I stop aching? I didn't even realize that had left me.

When did I become so sure of what we were doing? Down to my core - sure?

When did I start having things revealed to me in my dreams?

It feels like my heart is a garden.

And.

That the Lord is turning up the earth in me, turning over stones, and getting the soil of my soul prepared.

And.

I am not afraid.

(even if I am still leaking).

xo
K.