When you've cried all your tears and you need another waffle

I was listening to what she was saying… my eyes started to fill… nothing much came out. It was as if I had literally, cried all the tears I had for this boy. My boy. Our oldest.

After five years with us, and five years with this dedicated, devoted, and loving couple, he was done. Ready to launch. He had $1500 and a “friend” and they were going to leave.

He’s 16 years old.

When this had happened months earlier (twice), our son had been told that that was it. If it happened again he wouldn’t be able to live there anymore. He couldn’t run away, and come home, repeatedly. There are other kids in the home who will believe that they can do the same. And they can’t. He can’t.

I sat in my chair… the chair where I pray in the morning… My “quiet time” chair.

Listening to her words. Not knowing how to respond. Not sure what to ask…

No tears left.

No compartments left, to compartmentalize another thing.

This couple has raised our son for the same amount of time that we have… Isn’t that crazy to realize? They are equally devoted, equally invested.

They love him. We love him. And while I’d love to tell myself that he knows this on some level, I really don’t think he does. I really, truly, do not.

My mind swirled with thoughts from “see, it wasn’t you…it’s not your fault, they are professionals and …”, to “I have nothing left to give, nothing left to feel… I don’t care” to feeling some sort of pain… A pain that I can’t really identify. It hurts, but, I don’t know if it’s anger, hurt, sadness or fear…

Maybe it’s heartache.

But, there is just … no more room for me to sort through it all.

I’ve never been a good compartmentalizer, but, truly, I have no more space to put anything in.

This couple, who I will be eternally grateful for, they have the room to sort. They sorted things out. They found a new path, in a new place, and they are staying in the picture. In his life. In our lives.

Partnering with us.

With him.

Just not in their home. Not in his home.

For the sake of privacy I’ll let you know that he is in a private military institution … not one for “troubled boys”, but, one that can help him, if he chooses, to launch, when he’s actually ready.


xo
K.