50.

I was sitting with my coffee in the kitchen, the sun had yet to rise, and I was thinking about my life ... Thinking about my life because as of Friday I will have been on this planet for 50 years.

50.

I'm currently reading through the Old Testament, so I figured the smart thing for me to do would be to compare myself to people like David, Joseph and Moses. Because. Why not? That didn't end well. Immediately I had the feeling of failure. Like ... what have I done with the 50 years I've been here? What do I have to show for it (and I don't mean the people in my life ... I mean what have I DONE with these 50 years)?

My thoughts (or rather my huge snowball of emotions, flying down a steep hill) were pretty quickly interrupted by that still small voice ...

What has HE done with me these past 50 years I thought...

When I was 19 I broke up with my, pretty serious for that age, boyfriend. I remember that at the time I was reading through the book of Matthew. Which. Is strange because I really wasn't an on fire Christian at the time. I wasn't on a "read through the Bible in a year" kind of plan. When I think back, I actually can't remember WHY I was reading the Bible back then because it really wasn't the sort of thing I did. Regardless. I was. I have this picture of myself, sitting on my twin bed, reading that He knew what I needed, before I asked ... and that he cared for me ... more than the birds of the air, which hi, He totally takes care of. That He knew the number of hairs on my head (have you seen my hair?)... and I realized that even though the break up hurt (it REALLY hurt) ... that God was going to take care of me. He knew what was best for me.

I guess THAT'S why I "happened" to be reading through the book of Matthew at that time.

After enduring two miscarriages and entering into my third, we were mid discussions of adopting a baby from a friend of a friend's daughter ... and it all fell through ... all of it came crashing down. The young mom decided to parent her son, I started to miscarry, and we moved ... all in a week. I remember sobbing, heavily, feeling like nothing was ever going to be OK. Ever.

And I remember that some how ... some way ... God lifted me up, and out, and carried me out of that darkness.

I never thought I would ever stop grieving the loss of not carrying my own (biological) baby full term.

On Easter Sunday (this past weekend) I was hiking ... and saw a VERY pregnant woman "hiking" along the trail (I say "hiking" because really ... it was that about to give birth any second waddle). She was SO pregnant, and so cute. I smiled at her, and I continued to smile as I walked down the trail ... and it hit me. WHAT? When did it stop hurting to see pregnant women? When ... when did it actually change to making me HAPPY?

When did you do THAT God?

The fear I felt when we met the three children we would end up adopting. As open as I have tried to be during this whole thing - mercy. You guys have no idea the deep fear I felt. And eventually, anger. And sadness. Despair. Hate. I should just pull out a thesaurus and look up all the words describing negative emotions.

I'm joking... I don't have a thesaurus anymore.

I keep typing (and deleting) about what God has done in me through the kids. But, I do have a blog that talks about quite a bit of it so ... In short, He "pulled (us) out of the muck and mire; (and) set my feet on a rock..." Every time I fell flat on my face, He'd give me a song, or a verse, or a phone call (not from Him directly, although that would've been super cool), or a song would play (one of my favorite things). He GAVE me songs even! No matter what I was going through or where I was, He showed up. And saved me.

I can't even when it comes to the cancer diagnosis that came ... That seriously would have been the straw, if the straw had not already broken the camel's back a few years ago ...

I'm re-reading through the devotional I read through last year and reading past pages of underlined, circled and starred places where God's voice was calling to me, and calming me ... encouraging me ... showing me.

What has taken place in the past year and a half is the definition of "abundantly more". Again, I have a blog somewhere ...

I look back on the past 50 years (well ... skipping the first like ... 10 or so because I don't remember those ... the next ten are patchy and probably not accurate ... my 20's were a bit ... blurry ... for reasons I may discuss another time ... 30's and 40's are sort of clear ... OK ... So ... I look back on the last couple of years ...) and I don't know how much I HAVE done ... but, sheesh ... God has certainly been busy!

50 is a weird birthday to be approaching but, here I am, approaching it. And unless something unforeseen happens, I'll be celebrating it on Friday, with my husband and our son, and I've got to tell you, that alone is pretty much all I need present wise.

xo
K.