it's you too

Sometimes we sit in silence...God and me...

I sip my coffee and slip in and out of clear thought.

At some point I pray...

Over the past year or so I've attempted to have a more authentic...more organic relationship with Him. So... just like I don't say the same thing to the humans in my life every day... I try to vary things in my conversations with Him.

And I pray that I hear Him.

Through my hard head and my through my fears... Through my junk and through my past ... through my sin and through my guilt.

And I know I shouldn't be afraid, and that guilt isn't from Him.

But I still wrestle with all of it.

Flipping through the pages of Genesis I read about Joseph... Thrown into a pit by his jealous brothers. His flesh and blood. What must he have felt? Sold into slavery. Falsely accused and imprisoned because of it. The list is long. And yet... God was with him, and he was blessed in his horrible, unimaginable circumstances. Things ended up being really good for Joseph when all was said and done.

This morning I wondered... could I be like Joseph? Blessed in MY crappy circumstances? Could things end up being really good for us when all is said and done? Maybe I could be like Joseph.

Instantly I was internally reprimanded. Who am I? I'm no Joseph. He was special. He was ... some kind of ... favorite person. Different. Different than me.

My sin is too great. My heart is too ugly.

I'm too ugly.

My past is just ... ridiculous (and people who've known me long enough, know this to be true).

My present? Yup. Pretty ridiculous as well (and people who are in my inner tier, know this to be true). I get angry and jealous... and MAD. MAD that my husband has cancer. MAD that I couldn't have kids biologically... and then when we adopted, it all went to hell. Mad that we are paying thousands every month for two of our kids to essentially... be raised by people OTHER than us. MAD.

And that? That's not nice, neat, tidy Christian behavior folks.

My heart is a mess some days.

But then I come back to Joseph... and the similarities....

God has RICHLY blessed us, beyond what we could have imagined... through the cancer, through the miscarriages, through the financial strains... Through it all....

I pulled out the Mysteries Book devotional... and what I read today was an ladder analogy. Jacob's dream about the ladder. Jacob. Joseph's Dad.

Joseph.

Is GOD trying to show me that I am like Joseph?

And I read about this ladder... that spans between Heaven and earth.

About how a ladder is useless if it doesn't reach all the way up...

and all the way down.

Down to reach the depths... of sin and sadness ... of grief and loss ...

A ladder that reaches down to the bottom. Or it just doesn't work.

So Joseph? This ladder? It's for me too.

It's for you too.

We all get to use the ladder.

xo
K.