trying to see

Two months ago.

At this time two months ago we were getting ready to head out to my husband's colonoscopy appointment. No idea what was about to come. Moving around our home, laughing, talking, brushing teeth..... letting the dog out. Living our lives. Looking into the future, living one foot into the future even. Talking about the future without even realizing it.....

Christmas was coming. Our son had JUST started his school break. He was so excited to see if he was going to get what he had asked for for Christmas (I'm pretty sure he knew he was going to get the three things on his list, and more).

I had grocery lists on the kitchen counter.

My husband had opted to work half days through the holidays rather than take full leave. Work was busy. There was a lot going on. Too much to take time off.

We had a quick trip planned to see our pseudo-parents that live about five hours away.

Plans. Plans for later that day, later that week, later that month..... Plans to get ready for the move that was coming this Summer.

Two months ago today, I lost the ability to see. To see the future. To .... look .... forward. To look forward to .... and to just - look forward period.

In reality, none of us can see into the future. We just think we can, because we really think we know what's coming. And I know for myself, even with everything I've seen and I've experienced, I, for some reason, STILL thought I could see .... that I could predict.... or plan.

I can't see anymore.

At first it's a paralyzing feeling. Then... as I ease into it.... I see that what I'm moving into is a deeper reliance on God... Literally waiting for Him to show me what's next.

It's a strange feeling, almost child-like..... That scared feeling a child gets when they let go of their Dad's hand...A fear of not being held maybe... And while I know that fear is not from God, and He doesn't want us to live that way.... I think the part of me that is moving into a more present life.... not living in or for tomorrow ..... that that is going to be okay. That maybe I should have been living with both feet "in" today all along.

That we aren't supposed to see tomorrow. That we are supposed to see and feel and live everything - today.

xo
K.