This.

When I was 19 I had the hardest year of my life thus far. I broke up with my first love, our family dog died, and my Grandmother died. The break up began a new chapter in my life, bringing a new found confidence. The loss of my Grandmother resulted in my having to learn to communicate with my Mother, with no buffer in place.
Eventually I found my true love, we got married, and after a couple of years decided to expand our family. Miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage broke our hearts…… During that last pregnancy we were approached to adopt privately, through a friend of a friend’s daughter. She was due, with a boy, on my husband’s birthday. The week of my final miscarriage was the same week our birthmom decided that she would parent her son, and also the same week we moved from NC to RI, leaving our support system behind. Or so I thought. Of course there was a new support system already waiting for me. One that is still in place. (As is the one in NC). God is funny that way.
All “this” to say….. nothing has been harder on us than this last year. I have cried more tears in this past year, than in any other time in my life.
I have been pretty open and transparent with regards to what our life has been like post adoption. If you could, imagine that I’ve given you the PG version…… the true picture would be a couple of ratings beyond that.
But. You do know that our kids were diagnosed with RAD almost five years ago. That we’ve been in therapy. That we’ve flown one of our therapists across the world, twice, to keep our family together. That I’ve wanted to just give up, so many times.
You know that “something” has been going on because my posts indicate that. If you are my friend on facebook you’ve also noticed that a lot of the photos include two kids, not three.
What many of you don’t know is that this past year, we finally figured out the hold up in healing in our home. While it is rare, there is a thing called “trauma bond.” Trauma bond, in a nutshell, happens when siblings that are abused and neglected together, form an unhealthy bond to one another, and they just – can’t – get better together. They don’t want to. They pull each other back and down, and they fight healthy attachment with whichever grown up is in their lives.
Three different, unaffiliated, therapists told us that our kids would not be able to get healthy in the same family. To be honest, in some ways, this was a relief to hear. It’s been almost seven years. I’ve read books, and articles, gone to classes, prayed, and tried many different therapeutic approaches to help our kids. Nothing seemed to work, and if it did seem to work, it didn’t stick. I finally understood why.
This past year we saw a shift. A shift that told us we could not stay the way we were. That is was too harmful to everyone. We began another search. A search for a place for our oldest son to get the help that we could not give him. I spent months researching, emailing, calling, and reading…… Dead end after dead end, we could not find a place. Until we did.
The problem was that this place cost $5700/month, and was not covered by insurance. It is a long story, that ends with a private donor that gave us $15000.00, which allowed us to get our son where he needed to be. It would only cover 2 ½ months, but, it got us in. This place is amazing. Actually, what it is, is a group of therapeutic foster homes. All these families do, is work with kids with attachment issues. It’s all they have done for over 35 years.
Sadly, it was realized that our son IS actually better, away from his family, and his siblings, away from him. What we were told years ago (that these siblings should have actually been separated in order to succeed and heal from their past), was true. This decision resulted in a reduction of monthly rate because the therapy schedule and type changed. The rate dropped to $4000/month.
We decided to commit to paying for this place, because the thought of any other option was not acceptable. My husband sold his car and bought a beater. I sold my jewelry. We cashed in one of my insurance policies, and cashed in some stock we had. We made a budget, and stuck to it. We knew that we COULD do this, but, it would not be pretty.
Two days before Christmas, I received a call from the director of the “institute” (I use quotes because while it’s not a physical institute, they do go by that title). The family our son is with, and has been with since July, was offering a private, family to family, long term placement. The institute is not in the business of raising children, but, this family was willing to commit to a partnership with us, in raising our son. This new arrangement has reduced the monthly rate even more. It’s still not pretty, but, it is much more doable than it was, and it is our firm belief that this is God telling us, yet again, that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. It should be noted, that we are still debt free. What kind of miracle is that?
So far we’ve received nothing but support in our journey. My guess is there will be judgment from some, but, what I say to that is, go ahead and judge, that is easier to deal with than the “hell” we were living. We will not receive the judgment anyway.
The twins are doing better than they ever have, and so is our oldest son. He is taking piano lessons, boxing, and is learning to ski. His last report card was all A’s and B’s in his academics. He is still struggling to heal from his past, but, the parents he is living with have spent their entire careers helping kids just like him to move past that.
I was talking with some friends recently about adoption. I heard myself saying “I would do it all again.” Strange, right? Let me tell you why. Never have I been stronger in my faith. I have had to cling to a hope that can only be found in The One who created me. He has proven His sovereignty and His faithfulness to me more times than I can recall.
I know that we were meant to adopt these children. Of that, I have no doubt. What I didn’t realize at the time, almost seven years ago, was that it wasn’t going to look exactly like I thought it would. The truth is though, that our kids and our family are better off, having adopted, than we would have been, had we not adopted.
It’s my hope that we can help other families walking this painful and rewarding road. That people open their minds and do not judge something they do not understand, but, rather, reach out and offer support. There are a lot of people like us out there….. feeling alone and overwhelmed. Reach out to them. Love them. Pray for them. That’s all we need.
xo
K.