does he know?

I went to Target this morning to pick up some birthday presents for our oldest son.

I went equipped with his current sizes and needs.

As I looked through the shirts and pants I found myself torn between the sizes. OK, so he's about a 14/16 top if we are going to go a bit big. But. The sizes are 12/14 16/18...... so. Which should I buy? I don't want (the Mom he is living with) to think I don't even know my own child's size. (But. Why would I? I haven't seen him in eight months. Eight. Months.) What kind of mother doesn't know what size her own son is?? I did my best.... my best guess.

I made sure I grabbed a shirt with a shark on it. He likes sharks. He did. Does he still? I made sure the shirts were blue, because that is his favorite color. It was..... is it now?

I went over to the shoe section and picked out a cool pair. Then I saw a REALLY cool pair. I picked them up, turned them over in my hands, and tried to picture his reaction if he saw them. Would he like them? Say no thanks? It's more and more common that my kids do not like what I pick out for them. I decided to stick with the first pair. Maybe I'd send him a photo of the really cool pair?

I went through the items in my cart, went back, and changed out some of the sizes. What was I thinking? That would be too big, that would be too small.... I put some things back, putting new choices in my cart......

I looked through everything again. Were they "cool"? I tried to pick things that wouldn't cause anyone to tease him. Like. I won't get him a Star Wars shirt.... he's kind of old for that, right? I mean not to watch it, but, to have a shirt with it on it? I just don't want him teased. I like the skull and cross bone stuff, but, I don't want him to look too tough, or too rough.....

Do people tease him? Do people know he's not living with his "real" parents? Do people call him names? Do they call him "foster kid"?

Does he know that I will have picked out all of this stuff with extreme care and concern? Does he know I am trying to do well by him? Does he know...... does he know that I love him? Could he ever? Will he ever?

Will he ever believe that I love him?

I tried to show him, to tell him, to MAKE him know it. To make him feel it.

As I was paying for my items, out of the corner of my eye I saw someone coming towards me. It was a friend.

And right then and there - in Target - I started to cry. Crying tears of pain, worry, grief, desperation and hurt. Tears for this boy who has changed me forever.

My tears were not tears of guilt. I know, without a single shred of doubt that he is where he will do best. My tears were simply tears of a Mother, who loves her boy, who's heart is so far away from hers. Tears of a mother who thought everything would be so ...... different.

xo
K.