preach it

'Not sure where to begin.......

My husband is .... travelling again.... and those of you who legit know me, know what that means.

It's "only" been two weeks and it feels like a month.

The good news is .... I love my husband more today, than I did 16 years ago. I miss him horribly.......

The bad news is....... I miss him horribly.

I've been really struggling lately (read - the last six years) in my ..... motherhood. And. I use that term loosely....... The thing is..... on most days (read - all days) I feel like a horrible, incredible, ridiculous, failure. I feel like I'm making things so - much - worse.

OK. So..... I might get a bit...... evangelical here...... (I hope that's OK)....... I have a couple of things going on ..... One is I'm reading through the Bible, in it's entirety, this year. This will only be the second time I've done this...... I say "only" because...... why? WHY? Have I not done this more???? (This is a quote from our incredible sermon today btw)..... People are always saying they wish they would hear from God..... (this stopped me in my tracks this morning in church)...... Um. He has already spoken. And? It's in His word. Hi. So. There's that. So. That being said..... reading the Bible? Is life changing.

Also - I'm taking two leadership courses. Note. I am NOT going to be a "leader" per say....... I'm thinking about a sort of ...... supportive ...... small group ish..... thing..... and our church is wise enough to equip people who are considering this...... In addition to this one leadership group, I'm taking another class type thing - but - doing it on line with modules that are pre recorded (by our incredibly anointed senior pastor).....

Wednesday I sat down to listen to one of the modules..... and...... I sobbed. Like sobbing that has.... noise. Totally convicted. (NOTE: NOT condemned).

Have you ever heard something a thousand times...... then heard it and a "ding" went off? Like. Oh. Wow. Crap (even)..... how'd I miss that all these times (years)?

That was me on Wednesday......

I have been in the weeds..... over my head...... struggling and crying and horribly insanely trying to raise my kids, for six years.

On Wednesday I heard an in my face - can't ignore it - talk on...... Jesus..... Lucifer.... Us, Him, Them....... And it occurred to me..... I SAY I am a Christian.... but..... I'm not living like one. Now. Listen. I am not coming from the angle of .... gee...... I need to be nicer and holier and volunteer and donate.... No. I mean. When we are Christians - Christ is IN us. He has authority over ...... everything.

Including the battle over my children. FROM OUT OF THE GATES it has been a battle over my kids lives. And I've been struggling because..... honestly? I really don't think I can do it. And THAT???? Has been from where I have been functioning...... I can't. Every single day I fall...... I am neck deep in anger and frustration....... resentment and condemnation (towards myself).......

On Wednesday I realized..... Why am I living like...... it's up to ME? MY strength? Of course I can't do it!!!

This week was horrible..... H O R R I B L E....... Talking back, insane behavior, even cruelty to our dog..... I spent two days of this week crying. Hopeless. Also? We broke a window, and cracked my phone so badly that it is acting possessed, quickly switching from screen to screen to screen......

Last night? I woke up to a full wave of horrible vertigo, that was so severe it soaked me in sweat.....

I suddenly claimed (warning evangelical Christian stepping on to the scene here)...... ENOUGH! ENOUGH!!! NO MORE. In the name of Jesus, I am not doing this!!!!! (vertigo)...... And you know what? I fell back to sleep, and woke up vertigo free. (That is a miracle folks)

So..... why? Why have I been claiming to be a Christian and NOT been tapping in to the power of Christ in me?

I'm not sure..... but. I'll tell you this. I'm sure going to try to live differently from now on.....

This life is way too hard to do on my own.

xo
K.