spun around back to where I was

OK. So. another month has passed, and I think I've gone through almost every emotion possible since my last happy, refreshed, "I can do this" post.......

I had a complete emotional break down in church one Sunday..... crying and right back to the "How in the world can I do this?" mentality......

The good news is we have started neurofeedback with our oldest, and this particular therapy does have good results. I also - finally - found a great therapist who has a strong, strong, back ground in attachment disorders, RAD, older adopted kids...... and, funny enough, he has worked with and/or knows ALL THREE of our previous therapists, which, is nothing short of a miracle. His job (this new therapist) will be to work with our oldest as he begins to "feel" more (which he SHOULD if he accepts the help the neurofeedback offers).

Where I keep getting very much stuck is....... Our oldest seems to strongly resist help, in any form. I get it. It all makes sense..... I've talked with plenty of professionals to understand the "why" of it all. He is almost 11. What does all of "this" look like if he is too afraid to let go of what he is comfortable in (his tall, thick, walls that he feels are protecting him)? "His way" is the safest way...... He can really only trust himself........

So. We plug along..... Hoping, praying.... stepping forward.

I continue being transparent, and real so people can speak hope and wisdom into my life.

Trusting that even in people's resistance, God is still in this.

I had an epiphany in church last week...... I'm always applying everything to our oldest son...... God can raise the dead, heal anyone, restore, renew....... and then I always come back to..... what if someone doesn't RECEIVE it???? Then what? Then I thought...... OK..... what about ME then...... Oh. Right. There you go...... God can carry ME through this...... renew and restore me..... carry and heal me..... I can work with that...... In fact I was praying that yesterday as I was near to some sort of panic attack driving to therapy....... Carry me carry me carry me through this God.........

xo
K.