So. Let's see. Where do I start?
(Wait. Am I going to be "real" here...... or..........????)
OK. I'll be real.
But.
You can't judge me.
(to my face anyway)
OK. Well. I hit rock bottom-ish....again..... (like for the 8389489784626 time since we met our kids)...... I was beginning to think (and when I say "think" I mean I truly, fully, BELIEVED) that I was not going to be able to raise our oldest in our home...... As much as me living on Mars sounded pretty, darn, OK, I thought boarding school might be more likely. Or boot camp. For kids. So. My husband and I researched (and researched and researched) schools. And Camps. And searched topics like "help me raise my really difficult young boy." Funny enough (not really)..... there are no good options. ..... Like. For REAL..... no. good. options.
Meanwhile.......
I went to California for the weekend. To see my "big" sister...... Who I love and respect and think the world of........ and..... who I haven't seen in over two years.
Well. hmmmm.....
Guess what happens after a weekend of laughing, crying, talking, sharing, ummmm..... sleeping (till I wake up)...... walking..... (there may or may not have been some ice cream involved).....?
I became......
Refreshed.
Well whaddahyah know......
AND. I decided. To heck with it. I'll keep my kids.
No. Really.
I actually decided that.
OK. Maybe not THAT severely....... I realized that....... I can do it........ That it's not always puppy dogs and rainbows. ..... even in "normal" families (hush)...... with "normal" kids (again - hush)........
I also realized that I need a BREAK every now and then. Like a legit, no kidding, fly me to the moon, break.
Because.....
after a break...... I could see a lot more clearly.
My husband said, and I quote, "I don't need convincing." ..... SO..... he's on board.......
hmmmmmm.......
I can work with this.
OK.
SO. Our oldest....... the last three days (I've been home for four full days) have been........ enjoyable..... and I have noticed..... that ..... while he may not LOVE me ( and I don't need everyone to say "Oh no, of course he does!!!" because I really don't think he does)......He may like me. Sometimes.
But. More importantly........
I know that if I take occasional (or frequent) breaks...... I can parent a child that may or may not ever love and trust me. Because. The truth is..... he may not. And I need to accept that. And....... I need to parent him anyway....... and...... that is super duper hard sometimes....... BUT...... a lot of things are super duper hard..... (am I right?)......
The twins?
They are doing really well....... I look at our daughter sometimes and start crying because I can't believe how far she has come...... she truly is..... a MIRACLE.
AND that?
I'll take.
xo
K.
(Wait. Am I going to be "real" here...... or..........????)
OK. I'll be real.
But.
You can't judge me.
(to my face anyway)
OK. Well. I hit rock bottom-ish....again..... (like for the 8389489784626 time since we met our kids)...... I was beginning to think (and when I say "think" I mean I truly, fully, BELIEVED) that I was not going to be able to raise our oldest in our home...... As much as me living on Mars sounded pretty, darn, OK, I thought boarding school might be more likely. Or boot camp. For kids. So. My husband and I researched (and researched and researched) schools. And Camps. And searched topics like "help me raise my really difficult young boy." Funny enough (not really)..... there are no good options. ..... Like. For REAL..... no. good. options.
Meanwhile.......
I went to California for the weekend. To see my "big" sister...... Who I love and respect and think the world of........ and..... who I haven't seen in over two years.
Well. hmmmm.....
Guess what happens after a weekend of laughing, crying, talking, sharing, ummmm..... sleeping (till I wake up)...... walking..... (there may or may not have been some ice cream involved).....?
I became......
Refreshed.
Well whaddahyah know......
AND. I decided. To heck with it. I'll keep my kids.
No. Really.
I actually decided that.
OK. Maybe not THAT severely....... I realized that....... I can do it........ That it's not always puppy dogs and rainbows. ..... even in "normal" families (hush)...... with "normal" kids (again - hush)........
I also realized that I need a BREAK every now and then. Like a legit, no kidding, fly me to the moon, break.
Because.....
after a break...... I could see a lot more clearly.
My husband said, and I quote, "I don't need convincing." ..... SO..... he's on board.......
hmmmmmm.......
I can work with this.
OK.
SO. Our oldest....... the last three days (I've been home for four full days) have been........ enjoyable..... and I have noticed..... that ..... while he may not LOVE me ( and I don't need everyone to say "Oh no, of course he does!!!" because I really don't think he does)......He may like me. Sometimes.
But. More importantly........
I know that if I take occasional (or frequent) breaks...... I can parent a child that may or may not ever love and trust me. Because. The truth is..... he may not. And I need to accept that. And....... I need to parent him anyway....... and...... that is super duper hard sometimes....... BUT...... a lot of things are super duper hard..... (am I right?)......
The twins?
They are doing really well....... I look at our daughter sometimes and start crying because I can't believe how far she has come...... she truly is..... a MIRACLE.
AND that?
I'll take.
xo
K.
3 comments:
I have a lovely Northern California getaway for you!
been there. maybe it's time for another break for me.... sigh. I have two that might not love me very much, or at all, either. and it hard, hard, hard. I get it. Glad you have courage again. and its true. There are no good option out there - i've looked, too.
First off, So happy you went to see your sister, what a wonderful way to recharge your battery. I was saying a little prayer to myself when I saw you had a new post, hoping that everything was going to be puppy dogs and rainbows... but it is and it isn't. Please know I think of you often and send you support from far away. You are so right that it isn't always easy, but we raise them the best way we know how. Big Hugs to YOU! You continue to amaze me with your strong spirit.
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