it's not you. it's me.

Nope.

It's not me either.

For over five and a half years I have been trying to fix things. Yup. I know. We can't fix people. We can't change people. We aren't responsible for someone else's choices. Got it. Know it.

However.

Most anything you read about attachment will end with - you get results with the parenting. So. Everything I just said a moment ago? The whole..... We can't fix people, change people, blah blah blah....... Well. With attachment issues..... you kinda CAN. We can stand by our kids and love the crap outta them until they get it. We don't let them push us away. We prove that they are indeed loveable. And. Loved. No matter what. Maybe things don't get better. Maybe they do. But for attachment there is no magic cure. There is no pill. If there is hope, it is in the parenting.

As much as I share, and, as transparent as I am, trust me when I tell you this....... What I've shared is just a piece.

Because we all have deep dark ugly.

And.

We can't possibly share everything.

The past five and a half years have been the hardest of my life. I'm talking, on the floor, with a glass of wine, sobbing, wondering how I am going to survive this. hard.

I have talked with psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers therapists.....

We've done EMDR, Neurological Reorganization, Talk Therapy, Play Therapy, Respite Care.......

We've been prayed over.

We've had parent coaching.

We've read books.

You name it folks. We've done it.

I have not been able to understand why things aren't working..... more. Why our oldest is stuck. I've been so angry with myself, knowing I have failed, knowing that I am not doing anything right. Knowing that it is ME that is the problem.

And.

When I wasn't mad at myself? I was mad at my oldest. I was angry that he wouldn't just choose happiness. Choose love. Choose us. I did not understand what the block was.

And as you know.... I had just about given up hope for ..... whatever it was that I was hoping for......

Because we all have our own "stuff"..... that of course comes in to play..... all my rejection junk was a part of this as well, and every time I felt rejected, I felt my walls coming up..... yes. I'm the adult, I need to NOT do that.

It's hard.

I'm verbal. Shocker to hear, I know. I share. I process as I share. I gain lots of intel. :)

As a result of my sharing I found out about this thing called "brain mapping."

Cool, right?

So. Yesterday we got up pre-dawn and drove to get brain mapping done on our oldest.

It. Is. Fascinating.

I will spare you the details on the actual process, and simplify it by telling you this...... they basically put a cap thing on your head, there are things that hang off of it, and it connects into a computer. There are intervals of time with eyes open, staring ahead, and eyes closed. All the while, the administer of the test is staring at his computer screen while the readings come across the screen.

The results were clear. This person has done over 500 maps.

My son, has a head injury.

He said he can't diagnose this, but, I can get an MRI to confirm it. He knows what head injuries look like. And. This? Is "that".

As he went over the results he started describing my son, to a "T"........ things like the inability to understand someone's tone of voice. Short term memory loss. Instructional learning. Things that LOOK like Oppositional Defiance Disorder, but are NOT. Anxiety. Insomnia.

All of it.

As he told me what could have happened....... (that resulted in this injury) I felt the tears streaming down my face...... tears of heartache, pain, sadness for this little boy, then....... it changed....... I felt relief..... weight lifted.......

And then?

I saw a shift in my boy.

A weight lifted off of him.

It wasn't him.

It wasn't me.

It was something else.

The answer.

The missing piece to this very complicated puzzle.

We can do this.

Yup.

xo
K.