You've heard the expression "two steps forward, one step back".... This week has felt like only steps back in relation to our daughter......
I find myself having shovel fulls of hope on some days..... and on others my mind is full of despair...... When she gets going (and boy can she get going) I see all the dark, ugly, ugly stuff that's still deep down inside her...... Today it came out at me and sort of surprised me. I'm not sure why. It just did.
I realized something today..... for years, our oldest seemed to be my most difficult, but, often I would hear myself saying "Someday he and I will be closer than all the rest.... that's what I see in our future"...... and I realize that today, as I type this..... our son has come SO far...... and we are getting close.
Did I speak that over him? Was it intuition? Was it a gut instinct? Was it an obvious thing?
I do not know......
I just know that I don't have that same...... whatever .... inside of me for our daughter.
I wonder if I can MAKE myself feel that way. Is that possible? To force ourselves to believe in full healing?
Is it possible to force hope into our minds?
I want to have hope. I want to believe. But. She is so resistant to healing..... fighting it every step of the way..... I just don't know.
We have made progress. That is true...... however. We need to make A LOT of progress for her to actually make it in this world....
xo
K.
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I have been smiling since about 4:30. It is hard to post about today, because there is so much that happened. Each day our court time was sc...
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We went to the court house today. My Sister E stayed in the car with the twins, so the twins would be "available" for a visit with...
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All I can say is.... I know. I am there, too. My son is doing really well and is enjoying a closeness. I asked the older girls yesterday if they have seen a huge difference in him and seen all his progress in so many areas and their response was: "I think he's finally come to the place where he's figured out he loves and enjoys your attention and input in his life so that he is learning to cooperate and work with you."
Missy not so much. She won't cooperate and therefore I am not able to work with her. I feel a huge amount of anxiety over the fact that I don't even "like" her that much because she is so hardened. I love her. But I am not good at pretending that I like being around her. HARD STUFF.
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