i don't know if i can do this

I honestly feel this. Often.

The other night, around the dinner table, we actually talked. All of us. About what on earth is happening in our home.

I feel like I am failing at this whole Mother thing - daily.

We are supposed to chose our battles, right?

Here is the problem I am facing ...... USUALLY the choice is between the small stuff (that you let go) and the big stuff (that you consequence).... What if the "pool" my choices come from are ALL the big stuff? Like big lies, complete disobedience, horrible unkindness, pushing, hitting ......

This morning I had snarky/smug behavior, a full fledged RAGE from our daughter which ended in a river of pee, and our smallest, who is on another planet, who didn't want to eat breakfast (minor).

When I say "rage" I mean rage. Our daughter's voice changes. Everything changes. It is beyond her, as if something else is orchestrating the entire thing (if you're a believer, you know the road I'm going down).

My problem is still the same...... All of this ... stuff..... with no reciprocal love... it's that end of the day LOVE that gets mothers through....... Without this love..... how do I do this?

I don't want to give up. But. I want to give up a lot. But. I won't. I promise.

Here is the bottom line equation. Their birthmom doesn't want them. THEY? Don't want me. So. Where do we go from here?

I've read the books. I've had the therapy. I have lots of head knowledge. My problem (one of them) is .... life? Does not look like the books.

I have come to terms with the fact that what I had IMAGINED before kids? Does not exist. That whole perfect family image.

What is killing me slowly is I keep thinking we have made progress, only to end up feeling that we haven't. At all.

We had an incident this week with our middle child that scared me so much I began to feel that I have no clue how deep we are in all of this mess.

I fear that in 13 years, our kids will leave home, and that will be it. We will have somehow failed them. Failed God. Failed ourselves.

I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm trying. I feel like the closer I get, the further the kids push. (Two of them, never the youngest).

How do I break the walls?

I know I need to release my desire for control...... But, my fear is that one of my children will be desperately hurt as a result.

Right now, after over an hour of all hell breaking loose..... things are calm. The kids are playing nicely, with a movie on...... How the heck do we go from full out rage and anger, to peace? It's almost as if they got as much as they could get out - out - for the time...... and now we are in the calm aftermath.

I'll take it.
xo
K.