picnic tables and playground moms

I'm in a little groove over here in Korea..... Every day after picking my oldest up from school, I head right over to the blue picnic table right beside the playground. The kids run, scream, and play for about two hours. The moms talk.

The day before yesterday I was kind of coming undone.

I haven't talked about her in quite a while (at least it feels that way).... yet, she is still very much in our lives.

Our birthmother.

She has never stopped. Stopped hating us. Accusing us. Harrassing us. Yet, month after month, for going on four years, I have sent her updates and photos of the kids.

This last email she sent? Was a doozy.

Those who know me, know this..... Once I'm pushed? Pushed too far? There is kind of no turning back. It's a flaw. A big one. I am one of those crazy redheads. Yes. That's me.

There are two people in my life who pushed me over the edge..... and it took me, literally, YEARS, to reach the point of forgiveness..... (I'll just go ahead and say it because some of you are either wondering who I mean, or if it's you....) My Dad and my Mother in Law.

Anyway. This woman. This woman who birthed my children. Who I loved from the start (until I got to know her).... Who I have tried over and over and over and over (and over and over) to work with, forgive, get along with, understand........ Has pushed me. Too. Far.

I'm done.

I can (and will) reach the point of forgiveness, but, it is highly doubtful that I will ever be in relationship with her again. Unless the law (or The Lord) orders it to be.

Tomorrow morning (California time) I have a phone appointment with our attorney. To put a stop to this.

What's so sad is this......

I went into adoption with SUCH a pure heart. FULLY beleiving in and agreeing with - open adoption.

The day before yesterday, sitting at our blue picnic table watching our children play, I sat crying, embraced by some moms, saying "I never thought this would be my life."

And you know what?

It had NOTHING to do with the kids and EVERYTHING to do with HER.

I never though that I would be attached to a birthmother, of my children, who is so toxic. So hateful. So crazy. So relentless.

Here is the other thing.

Any Mom knows MOTHERING IS HARD. We already feel like failures..... We already feel judged. Here's what I have a problem with...... Feeling that I'm somehow accountable to our birthmother by having to send her cheery updates, with happy photos attached......

There have been so many times that I've thought, oh, no I can't send that picture, the kids don't look happy enough. Our daughter's hair isn't styled enough. He or she has a bump or a scratch or a cut and she might wonder where that came from.

I'm already feeling like I'm sinking..... and every month I'm to report to HER?

WHY????

Her emails are horrible. HORRIBLE.

This latest one had me shaking and just ...... derailed.

Oh what's funny?

She called me an "adoptive mom."

That?

Didn't even bother me.

I don't EVER think of myself as that.

Ever.

Only if I'm bonding with another mom, who's also adopted, and we have that in common. Kind of like other women who have also lost their mom, or someone who's lost a friend to cancer or something..... But. Yeah. NOPE. I don't consider myself to be their adoptive mom.

I am their MOM.

Chew on that one.

:)
xo
K.