up and down

and around again...

I haven't really had a second to sit down and blog recently.... and ..... what I WOULD blog changes drastically each day.....

Last week it would have been my fear of our oldest never pulling out of his downward spiral..... Today it could be thankfulness that our oldest is gaining his ground and our daughter seems to hate me.

Yeah. Like deeply, strongly, hate me.

I don't think I'm ready to get into it all here.

Why?

Because her behavior yesterday was so ...... hurtful...... deeply hurtful.... like .... when someone knows what you're biggest weakness is? And they jab, perfectly, right in there.....

The outcome is ....

Well, not only sadness, but .... maybe humiliation.

It occurred to me that I don't think anyone has EVER treated me as poorly, as she did yesterday.

Coming from a girl who's short, with curly hair, had braces, glasses, and moved nine times as a kid?

That's saying quite a bit.

Nothing... in all my years of being teased and made fun of ..... hurt like yesterday.

Hence the not posting exactly what transpired.

I would feel far too vulnerable.

Today, in the aftermath, I struggle with allowing her to be close. Everything in my state of survival says to keep her away..... BUT..... the reason she is doing what she is doing is because of HER OWN survival skills......

So. I need to walk through my fear - to her.

What about a consequence though?

How do you consequence this type of thing? (I'm not really asking.... I'm just saying....)

At what point does my humanity win over my desire to do the right thing?

As a believer I guess that won't happen. Or it shouldn't happen anyway.

It's very strange how smart this little five year old girl is...... it's as if her mind is that of a fourty year old woman..... Her tone, her eyes, her posture..... it's just .... amazing .... and scary..... I sometimes wonder if healing won't come until she is older, and she choses it. She is fighting it with all she has right now.

Because she is so smart, I sometimes try to talk with her on THAT level.... but, it's to no avail.

She is half adult, half child, 100% crushed heart.

I am feeling more confident as of late that I was chosen correctly as far as Mothering these kiddos (I was the last one to be on board I think)......

I believe that God is doing some crazy kind of partnering, multi leveling, tapestry-ing here..... taking my hurt, meshing it with my daughter's hurt, intertwining it.... using it for healing and understanding..... Right now though? I feel like it's this big, tangled mess of ..... yuck ..... on the floor.

In all of this I still feel peace. That is saying a lot. For those of you who know me personally, this has been an evolving thing...... I was never really a peaceful, go with the flow, I can do all things, kind of girl...... I am being changed.

With that in mind, I am able take another step.

xo
K.