space

I've had this empty space in my brain regarding posting. It's strange for me to have a kind of blank space in my mind..... I'm not sure where to go from here. Over the past weeks I've been going at a non-stop pace. We have visited family. We've had family visit us. I've purged through our belongings. I've organized and packed. We've had a set of movers come. More movers are on the horizon. We've had a family trip canceled due to the Army's new rules. Our house has begun to echo. In the midst of THAT chaos, we continue to go through therapy with the kids.... bit by bit, peeling back layers and layers of ... stuff. Their stuff. My stuff. T is pretty balanced, honestly? I don't think T HAS any stuff TO peel back. I am learning a LOT about adoption and the baggage that comes with it. With these little, vulnerable, souls.... With me. I was told recently by one of our therapists that parenting children with "RAD" (reactive attachement disorder) is a lesson in "delayed gratification." That was such a great way to phrase this experience. Positive, yet, "real." A few posts ago I wrote about sort of finding my old self again. It occurs to me..... do we actually "lose" ourselves, then find ourselves again? We often talk about losing ourselves.... about finding ourselves..... Is that even POSSIBLE when we are constantly changing? Call it what you want..... I call it being refined. Others call it the journey towards self actualization. Whatever it is - there is no finding our real self... When we get to that place - that seemingly unattainable place - the race has been run....... In a way that's almost a comfort, isn't it? That we shouldn't necessairly BE anything specific at this point. That we are on our way - to that ultimate finish line. And I'm running the race the best that I know how. xo K.