puzzles

The alarm sounds far too early.

Hot water hits my back.

I try to pray.

My thoughts won't connect.

I go back months. Years even.

Hopeless. Exhausted.

God has a plan. A hope for our oldest.

I know this.

Don't we need to line ourselves up for that plan?

Be in a place of submission?

A position to receive?

How then is there hope?

Last night I worked to complete a puzzle he had been working on. (working on FOR DAYS)

Something that has brought him a smile in the past.

This morning his bare feet in the kitchen.

He eyes the puzzle.

Looks at me.

Stares.

Eyes dead.

Nothing.

He walks away. Holding his stare.

Silent.

He grabs a coloring book.

Says nothing.

My heart breaks as I fail.

Again.

To reach him.

My youngest enters.

Smiles.

Climbs into my lap.

Wanting me.

Says good morning.

Hugs me.

He leaves to get dressed.

The morning continues.

My oldest staring at me at the breakfast table.

Bad manners.

Holding his gaze.

I sit silent.

Do nothing more than notice.

My strength is sapped.

My heart slowly cracking under it's pressure.

I reach to him.

He pulls away.

I forgive.

He tests.

I love.

He builds his walls higher.

I offer.

He resists.

My prayers form to the most simple plea....

Love. Attachment. Renew.

Time and space allows for peace to enter my soul...

Homework time arrives.

I ask him about the puzzle.

How did you feel this morning when you saw the puzzle completed?

I was happy.

You were? Are you sure?

Yes.

It didn't seem you were happy.... I wondered if it made you sad. Maybe you wanted to finish it yourself? Maybe you wished I had worked on it WITH you?

I was happy. I did wonder if you were going to help me with it when I was working on it.

(I told him about the last time I had tried to help him with a puzzle...... How it didn't work so well..... I explained that I didn't want it to end up in an argument this time..... That I just wanted to help him.....surprise him. Make him smile.)

There was a look.... a glimpse.... I think he heard me. I think he understood.

I explained that I did it to make him happy. I thought it would make him happy.

I realized then.

That THAT made him happy.

Not the puzzle necessarily. The effort. The thought. He was able to process that simple act as something good.

I realize that it takes approximately 3 minutes worth of "good" to wash away about six straight weeks of "not good."

And so..... we move forward..... one teeny step at a time.

xo
K.