pride and fear

I'm fairly certain these two things are the biggest things in my life that get in the way of God working through me.

Like right now for example.

My oldest son has tried every, single, bit of me for the last week.

To the point of exhaustion.

I know that the only way for him to reciprocate love is to SEE love. Constantly.

Even when he is being horrible.

So then. Why do I sit here. In utter frustration "unable" to be a loving Mommy?

It's simple.

Pride and fear.

It's got to be.

As a human - excluding Christ - I am simply unable to overcome my hurt and to forgive. Continuously.

WITH Christ I AM able to do that.

So why don't I?

What am I afraid of?

I am called to do it.

Commanded even.

I am supposed to love him as much as I love myself.

(ouch).

I wish there was a "Christ pill" that I could pop during times like this.

I guess that would be The Word. Wouldn't it?

This morning on the way to church I was talking to my oldest son. Letting him know that I KNEW he was wondering if I was upset with him. I am I let him know. I listed the reasons why.

Silence.

A few minutes pass.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I just saw a pelican."


What do you do with that exactly?

Well, what IIIII did with that was drive quietly to church. Drop the kids at the kid's service, and lost myself in our sermon.

So here I sit.

And the best that I can seem to muster up at the moment is silence.... I don't want to be all loving and snuggly and happy......

I try to tell myself at least I'm not yelling.

I'm not being mean.

But I know who owns that voice.

Who they are.

They are pride and fear.

I need to lose these two.

xo
K.